You’ve probably known someone who spends their life at the mercy of circumstances, people, or “dumb-luck.” Their life appears to be a series of disappointments punctuated by all the red lights, obstacles along the way. Some people call them victims, but I’ve never been a fan of that term because it discounts those who experience real tragedy. I think a more suitable label would be people who haven’t learned how to remove obstacles by asking more empowering questions.
I know—it's not as punchy as victim, but it explains what can differentiate a results-oriented person from someone who has lots of excuses. I'm very clear that the person who enjoys more of what they want in life asks fundamentally different questions in the face of adversity or setbacks. When they hit a “red light,” they don’t sit idly by and complain about the unscheduled stop. Instead, they look for the good or lessons in the brief pause. Then if the light doesn’t change quickly, they ask questions which are meant to move them forward in a different way. They understand that they own 100% of the responsibility, so excuses and reasons aren’t an option.
The opposite is also true; people who relinquish responsibility ask themselves disempowering questions meant to keep them stuck in the effect of their disappointment. Just yesterday I witnessed a conversation that highlighted this exact scenario.
This person had been at a red light for over three weeks and was showing no progress. The excuses started with a cancelled meeting, but quickly turned into a one-sided discourse highlighting all the self-imposed reasons that made progress impossible: the time difference, busy schedules, competing priorities, a lack of commitment on the part of the other person. I knew the conversation all too well, since excuses and reasons were easily a part of my earlier existence. Though I had no idea what specific questions he’d asked himself to keep his progress stalled, I was pretty clear how I used to handle a situation like this.
First, I have to say I was brilliant at complaining and a master at using external diversions to my benefit. So, I probably would have spent time stewing and/or speculating why the meeting was cancelled: wasn’t my time, the commitment, or our work together just as important? This could have easily taken me down the unproductive path of projecting my problem onto the other person, which solves nothing. I would have certainly entertained all the reasons why this scheduling snafu would impede my progress, because this is where I’d validate the interference and compile the reasons to give up. None of this is pretty to admit, but I suspect I might have come up with very similar excuses as what I heard yesterday. And like him, I would have reached a dead end.
But dead ends don't exist when we take 100% responsibility for what we want. When a meeting is cancelled, this becomes nothing more than a momentary setback. Instead of questioning the motive or reason for the cancellation, you ask yourself what outcomes you need from the meeting that you might get in a different way? Rather than calculating how the temporary pause will impede progress, you ask yourself…how can I make this setback irrelevant? This ability to get deeply curious about how to move forward in the face of adversity is the characteristic of empowered folks. Simply, they change circumstances by asking questions that fuel on-going momentum.
So much so, it’s easy to spot them. They talk about progress, solutions, and results. Not because of luck or a lack of obstacles, but because they’ve come to understand that a red light is not an invitation to park your car.
You nailed it again!
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