What’s Your Theme?

We are all living a theme: a certain way of being or showing up in the world that defines who you are.  And the world acts as a stage, allowing you to play out your theme with every passing moment.  Your theme was created early in life when you unconsciously asked yourself who you needed to be in order to survive in this challenging world.  I wonder — what’s your theme?

I suspect you already have a hunch about how your theme in life is playing out. But being honest with yourself is still very different than having the richness of who you are boiled down into a thematic character.  Which is what happens when you stand in the audience, watch and ask, “What does my life tell me about myself?”  I did this for the first time many years ago and it was incredibly humbling.  However, recent circumstances offered a pause… and another invitation to look at my life’s theme again through the lens of the Enneagram.
 
The Enneagram is an ancient personality tool that describes nine distinct patterns of how we think, feel and behave based on our perceptual filters.  Underneath each of the nine patterns is a basic proposition or belief about what you need in life for survival and satisfaction.  Apparently, I am an “enthusiast” and have spent my whole life trying to avoid pain and suffering. 

Yup, that’s me. At my best, my theme serves me well.  At a place of unconsciousness, my theme holds me hostage.  Not a pretty thing to confess, but I’ve known for some time that I’ve spent most of my life avoiding hard, walking away from what is difficult, unpleasant or too emotional.  In fact, if I‘m really honest with myself, I’ve spend most of my life in an unending journey to find pleasure — even when it took me down a circuitous path or adversely impacted the people I loved the most.  In short, I created an unhealthy coping mechanism of avoiding hard with a little “h” and in return, would invariably bump up against Hard with a big “H.” I thought I’d left this theme behind, but even before the Enneagram, the last few months made me question if this was true.
 
I am still not sure if I want to call the catalyst for my self-evaluation a breakthrough or a breakdown, but it came a few months ago when I bumped up against hard again.  This situation was a little startling because I pride myself in that, these days, the more I evolve, grow, and connect to the real truth of who I am — the easier things seem to get in my life.  That is, unless you consider my writing struggles. 

On this particular morning I entered the session with my writing coach after a tough week of translating words onto paper.  I confess my frustrations and Kimberly compassionately greets me with a sobering pep talk which includes the wisdom, “Yes, writing can be hard.”  And somehow the words feel wounding.  A well of emotion pools in my body.  A lump forms in my throat as a way to call for my attention as my tears start to flow.  In the past, this would have been an invitation to stuff my feelings down, but now I can let the emotion show itself as a way to guide me to my words, “I’ve already had too much hard in my life.  I don’t want to do that anymore!”

Once those words leave my mouth, however, I know I have a question and a challenge for myself.  Am I still avoiding hard?  And, can I act as a witness over the next few months to see if this theme is still showing up in my life?  I am certainly willing to admit that most of the difficulty I’ve experienced in my early life was self-inflicted through too many self-indulgent choices.  And yet, the experience on this particular morning made me question if I’d really abandoned this strategy entirely.  So I vowed to watch and notice my current relationship to hard.  How would I respond when writing felt laborious, difficult and, yes, even scary?

But a few months later it wasn’t just my writing that caught my attention.  I took a class that pushed my comfort zone regarding my creative abilities.  The uncomfortableness of sitting around a table with five artists with my creative ineptness in bold view was almost unbearable…and yet, I vowed to sit patiently with the discomfort.  A large commitment to build and deliver a two-day workshop was followed by a feeling of being “boxed in” as I prepared to fulfill this commitment…and yet, I begrudgingly did it anyway.  A tough conversation with my husband beckoned my attention…and I wanted to crawl out of my skin to save myself from speaking my truth…and yet, I spoke from a place of honesty.  All of these situations made me acutely aware that I was more willing to plunge into the discomfort these days, but my theme still existed.  I’m getting better at hard, but I clearly haven’t mastered it yet.  
    
I know it wasn’t a coincidence I was introduced to the Enneagram right after my experiment concluded.  This tool made my life make sense; it made the last few months make sense.  I continue to try and protect myself from my own limitations or any potential pain because this innate behavior still exists within me.  And at the same time, I’m also clear that self-awareness, acceptance of my theme and an on-going commitment to take different actions, in spite of myself, is the answer to finding more of who I really am.

So again, I ask — what’s your theme?  Are you all or nothing?  Do you strive for perfection?  Is harmony so important that you’ve forgotten about your own needs?  Do you give so much of yourself that there’s nothing left?  Does accomplishment define who you are?  Do you strive for solitude and independence at the cost of yourself and others?  Do you spend your life skeptically looking for the gaps?  Has your deep longing for emotional connection somehow created a lonely life?  Or, like me, have you spent your life seeking pleasure?
  
You see, once you understand your theme you’ll come face-to-face with who you thought you needed to be in order to be happy.   Only then can you look behind the unhealthy coping mechanisms you’ve created and discover the real you.