For years I've been writing a book in my mind. And yet, regardless of the clarity I feel about becoming an author one day, I find myself at an uncomfortable stalemate. Frustrated. Occasionally, the ideas swirling in my head translate themselves onto the written page. However, I seem to live in the paradox of being wholly inspired, but stalled in my inability to make any meaningful progress. The annoyance is exacerbated by the clarity I feel.
This clarity arrived in the bathtub. I had just settled into the warm bubble-filled water with yet another book when the familiar question popped into my mind, “will this be the one?” This question was like an old friend who moved into my psyche right after the clairvoyant declared a book would change my life. It had been twenty-five years since that early declaration at one of my mom’s physic parties. (Yes, where most moms were having Tupperware parties - my mother was gathering a group of women around wine and cheese and a clairvoyant who smelled of my grandmother.) Since then, it proved nearly impossible to approach a book without anticipating a 'eureka' moment. Two decades of disappointments kept me reading, and reading.
But this particular bathtub moment changed everything. This time, the habitual question popped into my mind...and an unexpected retort followed with lightning speed.
No, silly. You’re not going to read a book. You. Are. Going. To. Write. One!
The optimistic response was delivered in my voice, but the thought was foreign. The tears in my eyes told me it was true. I was so incredibly touched by the shift in perspective, but was perplexed about what topic would one day feel worthy of ink. And yet, the revelation was accompanied by an unfamiliar, but welcomed, sense of hope.
Over the last seven years I have wondered relentlessly why that moment has seemed so poignant. Today it became clear. When I submerged myself in my new bathtub that evening, I was already in the throes of making some positive changes in my life. I'd reacquainted myself with my children and family, ended a long-term relationship that wasn't working, and was getting brutally honest about what else needed to change. I already knew I had spent most of my life chasing happiness in all the wrong places, but fixing what isn't working is very different than dreaming about what's possible. When I gave myself permission to entertain the notion of writing a book, it started a quest to learn the real secrets to happiness. I now understand that it was that little inkling of hope that fueled my journey over the years to reclaim my life as my own.
Today I am incredibly grateful to declare that a happiness resides in me that I couldn't have anticipated. My contentment isn't dependent on other people or circumstances. At my core, I feel I AM ENOUGH. My pathway to this state of being has been a circuitous adventure, and I've accumulated lessons and knowledge that ultimately changed my life. I am now ready to share what I've learned with others who might feel stuck, stymied, uninspired, or afraid of change...I will write for them.
So, it might seem a little strange that I choose to start a blog as I myself feel a little stuck in my writing. I'm in the midst of a circumstance that appears to be without the speed, ease and grace I seem to enjoy so readily these days in all other areas of my life. So, this is a public declaration to meet myself where I am. Gather the lessons I may have missed. Swim in my own paradox of inspiration and inaction to find that creative tension. Surrender to uncertainty. Write a few paragraphs here, a couple of musings there....let it unfold as it should…and wait for another bathtub moment.
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