Are feelings and thoughts enough to create the things we want in life? In 2006, the bestselling movie and book entitled The Secret gained widespread popularity by telling us just that. If we declare our intentions and step into the emotions of already receiving what we desire, the result will manifest itself. I’m not here to debunk the notion, but to share what they forgot to tell you.
You have to take action. That’s right — you have to be prepared do something.
We shouldn’t ask for the perfect mate and then, hide in our apartment. The first plan of action doesn’t have to be a blind date, but it should mean making eye contact with potential suitors during the morning coffee run. We must be prepared to vote with our feet, especially if our emotions aren’t rallying around our intention.
Today, a lovely young woman told me how she recently stepped into her intention. She’d been looking for a new job, so she could join her fiancé on the other side of the state. Her search was turning up empty handed, and she was on the brink of giving up. Then, she decided she was moving — job or no job — and declared it out loud. A gutsy move in this economy, right? But the next day she had a promising interview, which quickly turned into a job offer. As she said, “Once my intention to move was solid, it all just fell into place.”
You see, once she solidified the decision with action there was an internal sense of congruency. She was reconciling what she wanted and declaring what was possible with her deeds, and her emotions authentically responded in-kind. Once you are clear and congruent, the energy flows very differently and there is an opening created for new possibilities.
The other thing The Secret failed to disclose was the necessity to check the motivation behind the intention. When our desires are generated from a place of protection, fear, or ego, the intention won’t gain any forward movement because playing defense doesn’t provide the emotional traction we need. When we want more clients, for example, from a place of desperation – it will be easy to get more angst instead. You have to sink into the emotions of realizing more clients from a place of love, service, and gratitude if you want to build your business. That’s what changed the face of my practice.
I had my own example recently of bringing this mindset to life. I used to have a dream of being on Oprah. I just envisioned I would write a book, which would make me a natural shoe-in for a guest spot. I know, my dreams were big. Anyway, the Oprah Show was recently running a contest with the prize of tickets to be in the studio audience for one of her last shows. The entry was a short video describing how Oprah had changed or impacted your life.
Now, I normally don’t do contests but there was something that wouldn’t allow me to delete the contest email from my inbox. So, I made a video. And in that moment, I took emotional stock of the fact that I no longer wanted to be on her show from a place of ego. There was nothing to prove, just heartfelt thanks. Also, by making the video — not just thinking about it — I was amplifying the gratitude I felt for Oprah’s wisdom and guidance over the years.
Specifically, I remembered when Oprah's guest Sarah Ban Breathnach, the author of Simple Abundance, transformed me from a viewer of life to a participant of life. The invitation to embrace gratitude as a daily practice moved me into action. Years later, it seems so clear that my own journey of self-discovery and spiritual awakening started in the moment that I bought that book.
And yes, I’m heading to Chicago in May. But here’s the beautiful part — I never submitted the video. My production was too long, which meant I needed to find another window to finish my project. In the interim and unbeknownst to me, an appreciative client and friend took it upon herself to see if she could use a personal contact to get some Oprah tickets. It appears she, too, was feeling deeply grateful for our work together.
So you see, good intentions and positive vibes created the outcomes we both desired. It started with a dream and turned into action, but it wouldn’t have unfolded without the congruency of the emotions born from a place of love, gratitude, and service. And, Chicago here I come!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Red Lights Are Not an Invitation to Park Your Car
You’ve probably known someone who spends their life at the mercy of circumstances, people, or “dumb-luck.” Their life appears to be a series of disappointments punctuated by all the red lights, obstacles along the way. Some people call them victims, but I’ve never been a fan of that term because it discounts those who experience real tragedy. I think a more suitable label would be people who haven’t learned how to remove obstacles by asking more empowering questions.
I know—it's not as punchy as victim, but it explains what can differentiate a results-oriented person from someone who has lots of excuses. I'm very clear that the person who enjoys more of what they want in life asks fundamentally different questions in the face of adversity or setbacks. When they hit a “red light,” they don’t sit idly by and complain about the unscheduled stop. Instead, they look for the good or lessons in the brief pause. Then if the light doesn’t change quickly, they ask questions which are meant to move them forward in a different way. They understand that they own 100% of the responsibility, so excuses and reasons aren’t an option.
The opposite is also true; people who relinquish responsibility ask themselves disempowering questions meant to keep them stuck in the effect of their disappointment. Just yesterday I witnessed a conversation that highlighted this exact scenario.
This person had been at a red light for over three weeks and was showing no progress. The excuses started with a cancelled meeting, but quickly turned into a one-sided discourse highlighting all the self-imposed reasons that made progress impossible: the time difference, busy schedules, competing priorities, a lack of commitment on the part of the other person. I knew the conversation all too well, since excuses and reasons were easily a part of my earlier existence. Though I had no idea what specific questions he’d asked himself to keep his progress stalled, I was pretty clear how I used to handle a situation like this.
First, I have to say I was brilliant at complaining and a master at using external diversions to my benefit. So, I probably would have spent time stewing and/or speculating why the meeting was cancelled: wasn’t my time, the commitment, or our work together just as important? This could have easily taken me down the unproductive path of projecting my problem onto the other person, which solves nothing. I would have certainly entertained all the reasons why this scheduling snafu would impede my progress, because this is where I’d validate the interference and compile the reasons to give up. None of this is pretty to admit, but I suspect I might have come up with very similar excuses as what I heard yesterday. And like him, I would have reached a dead end.
But dead ends don't exist when we take 100% responsibility for what we want. When a meeting is cancelled, this becomes nothing more than a momentary setback. Instead of questioning the motive or reason for the cancellation, you ask yourself what outcomes you need from the meeting that you might get in a different way? Rather than calculating how the temporary pause will impede progress, you ask yourself…how can I make this setback irrelevant? This ability to get deeply curious about how to move forward in the face of adversity is the characteristic of empowered folks. Simply, they change circumstances by asking questions that fuel on-going momentum.
So much so, it’s easy to spot them. They talk about progress, solutions, and results. Not because of luck or a lack of obstacles, but because they’ve come to understand that a red light is not an invitation to park your car.
I know—it's not as punchy as victim, but it explains what can differentiate a results-oriented person from someone who has lots of excuses. I'm very clear that the person who enjoys more of what they want in life asks fundamentally different questions in the face of adversity or setbacks. When they hit a “red light,” they don’t sit idly by and complain about the unscheduled stop. Instead, they look for the good or lessons in the brief pause. Then if the light doesn’t change quickly, they ask questions which are meant to move them forward in a different way. They understand that they own 100% of the responsibility, so excuses and reasons aren’t an option.
The opposite is also true; people who relinquish responsibility ask themselves disempowering questions meant to keep them stuck in the effect of their disappointment. Just yesterday I witnessed a conversation that highlighted this exact scenario.
This person had been at a red light for over three weeks and was showing no progress. The excuses started with a cancelled meeting, but quickly turned into a one-sided discourse highlighting all the self-imposed reasons that made progress impossible: the time difference, busy schedules, competing priorities, a lack of commitment on the part of the other person. I knew the conversation all too well, since excuses and reasons were easily a part of my earlier existence. Though I had no idea what specific questions he’d asked himself to keep his progress stalled, I was pretty clear how I used to handle a situation like this.
First, I have to say I was brilliant at complaining and a master at using external diversions to my benefit. So, I probably would have spent time stewing and/or speculating why the meeting was cancelled: wasn’t my time, the commitment, or our work together just as important? This could have easily taken me down the unproductive path of projecting my problem onto the other person, which solves nothing. I would have certainly entertained all the reasons why this scheduling snafu would impede my progress, because this is where I’d validate the interference and compile the reasons to give up. None of this is pretty to admit, but I suspect I might have come up with very similar excuses as what I heard yesterday. And like him, I would have reached a dead end.
But dead ends don't exist when we take 100% responsibility for what we want. When a meeting is cancelled, this becomes nothing more than a momentary setback. Instead of questioning the motive or reason for the cancellation, you ask yourself what outcomes you need from the meeting that you might get in a different way? Rather than calculating how the temporary pause will impede progress, you ask yourself…how can I make this setback irrelevant? This ability to get deeply curious about how to move forward in the face of adversity is the characteristic of empowered folks. Simply, they change circumstances by asking questions that fuel on-going momentum.
So much so, it’s easy to spot them. They talk about progress, solutions, and results. Not because of luck or a lack of obstacles, but because they’ve come to understand that a red light is not an invitation to park your car.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Lipstick without a Dream
The statistic alone tells an interesting story—it’s estimated that 75 percent of folks wake-up on Monday morning uninspired about what they do for a living. In response to this epidemic, a plethora of experts, consultants and coaches are making their living telling us how to solve this unfortunate phenomenon. Most of the advice, I believe, isn’t getting to the root cause of why so many individuals aren’t able to bring their hearts to the office. We are afraid.
I’m not talking about the kind of fear that causes us to lock our car doors and bedroom windows, but rather the type that closes our spirit and puts us in self-preservation mode. We fear this isn’t the right career, or we’re nervous it is. In the backs of our minds, we wrestle with the anxiety that we’re not good enough, smart enough, or deserving enough and then we stop short of going after what we really want. Hell, sometimes the fear-based tendencies of the mind can cause even the most talented to give up dreaming all together.
Of course, sadness is what I feel when I think about the people who have taken dreaming off the table. If I give myself license to connect with this sadness in this very moment—I am easily transported to the 75th floor of the prestigious Columbia Tower Club. It was an evening meant for celebration. I’d extracted myself from the masses of high heels and clinking glasses to make my way to the floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking Seattle so I could discretely check my phone. My intuition told me a quick look would explain the disappointing no-show.
Like the other ten women gathered together in the room that night, the Columbia grad on the other end of the text had made a year-long commitment to find work that feeds her soul. And yet, the first cryptic message on my screen solidifies it is not always enough to intimately understand our strengths, passions, purpose…when our mental and emotional barriers won’t allow us to get out of our head and listen to the whispers of our soul.
I am dressed, lipstick on, but can’t make myself walk out the front door.
This evening had been meant to culminate the work we’d all done together in the past year, as well as imaginatively dream out loud about the possibilities of the future by pretending we were at our 5-year reunion. But, this invitation had proven too much for this amazing woman whose companionship with fear promises to keep her safe…if she will only keep herself small.
I don’t have any dreams.
I take a deep breath, send a supportive text, and turn myself around with a smile. I need to be strong for those who are attending this evening. Our celebration has already shown itself to be a success if I measure the energy level in the room. I reenter the swirl of events by taking a hors d’oeuvre from the server, wiping my tears and following the laughter in hopes of saving my professional make-up job done especially for this evening.
But when the lashes came off later that evening, I knew the absence of this woman was the final call I needed to evolve my coaching practice. Though incredibly important work, it is not always enough to identify the strengths, passions and priorities that promise to create more meaning and engagement at work. This knowledge, however important, has the potential to offer only limited success when there are old beliefs, strategies and programs that keep even the most well-intentioned individual swirling in her head, captive to her fears, and away from her dreams.
As the years have passed since the time of that event, I’ve become more convinced that our biggest business epidemic is really a societal pandemic. It’s not that we don’t love work. We don’t love life. This tragedy can’t be fixed with another newfangled career engagement theory or strategy from me, or anyone else. Instead, this is our time to understand we are wired early in life from a place of primal fear; yet, when we remove these mental obstacles meant to protect us, we can connect directly to our hearts. And, from this place of truth is where we will find work – and a life – that feeds the soul.
I’m not talking about the kind of fear that causes us to lock our car doors and bedroom windows, but rather the type that closes our spirit and puts us in self-preservation mode. We fear this isn’t the right career, or we’re nervous it is. In the backs of our minds, we wrestle with the anxiety that we’re not good enough, smart enough, or deserving enough and then we stop short of going after what we really want. Hell, sometimes the fear-based tendencies of the mind can cause even the most talented to give up dreaming all together.
Of course, sadness is what I feel when I think about the people who have taken dreaming off the table. If I give myself license to connect with this sadness in this very moment—I am easily transported to the 75th floor of the prestigious Columbia Tower Club. It was an evening meant for celebration. I’d extracted myself from the masses of high heels and clinking glasses to make my way to the floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking Seattle so I could discretely check my phone. My intuition told me a quick look would explain the disappointing no-show.
Like the other ten women gathered together in the room that night, the Columbia grad on the other end of the text had made a year-long commitment to find work that feeds her soul. And yet, the first cryptic message on my screen solidifies it is not always enough to intimately understand our strengths, passions, purpose…when our mental and emotional barriers won’t allow us to get out of our head and listen to the whispers of our soul.
I am dressed, lipstick on, but can’t make myself walk out the front door.
This evening had been meant to culminate the work we’d all done together in the past year, as well as imaginatively dream out loud about the possibilities of the future by pretending we were at our 5-year reunion. But, this invitation had proven too much for this amazing woman whose companionship with fear promises to keep her safe…if she will only keep herself small.
I don’t have any dreams.
I take a deep breath, send a supportive text, and turn myself around with a smile. I need to be strong for those who are attending this evening. Our celebration has already shown itself to be a success if I measure the energy level in the room. I reenter the swirl of events by taking a hors d’oeuvre from the server, wiping my tears and following the laughter in hopes of saving my professional make-up job done especially for this evening.
But when the lashes came off later that evening, I knew the absence of this woman was the final call I needed to evolve my coaching practice. Though incredibly important work, it is not always enough to identify the strengths, passions and priorities that promise to create more meaning and engagement at work. This knowledge, however important, has the potential to offer only limited success when there are old beliefs, strategies and programs that keep even the most well-intentioned individual swirling in her head, captive to her fears, and away from her dreams.
As the years have passed since the time of that event, I’ve become more convinced that our biggest business epidemic is really a societal pandemic. It’s not that we don’t love work. We don’t love life. This tragedy can’t be fixed with another newfangled career engagement theory or strategy from me, or anyone else. Instead, this is our time to understand we are wired early in life from a place of primal fear; yet, when we remove these mental obstacles meant to protect us, we can connect directly to our hearts. And, from this place of truth is where we will find work – and a life – that feeds the soul.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Making Change Easier
Who hasn’t set a New Year’s resolution or declared a commitment to change some small aspect of who they are—only to disappoint themselves a few days later? We promise ourselves we will be more patient, positive, or forgiving. We vow to work out or show up on time, but still find ourselves with a stockpile of experiences that fuel the myth that change is hard. Let me tell you why this saga feels true, and how to make change easier.
First, it’s important to understand that we’re wired to preserve energy. Our unconscious inclination to avoid anything that depletes our energy reserve harks back to the time of primal survival when protecting ourselves was synonymous with continued existence. Though our external reality has changed, our mind and body continue to function in this primal way. On the most basic level, this programming is why change can feel so difficult to navigate.
But the biggest obstacle to change is just that—a feeling tethered to old programming. Change doesn’t have to be so challenging. That is, if we understand the unconscious mind operates from a place of emotion. The conscious mind is rational. Our goal is to get them working together, not opposing each other.
Here are the five most common mistakes I’ve witnessed that keep us from integrating the combined power of the unconscious and conscious mind, and thus, making change easier in our lives.
Goals Without Buy-In
Declarations are made, goals are set, and results are measured in our conscious mind. Yet, the conscious mind contributes little to implementing the changes we desire. In reality, the unconscious mind is in charge. It wants to be emotionally wooed and understand the reasons why change is important. Therefore, any announcement related to doing something new needs to speak to the heart, not just the mind. If not, our motivation will wane very quickly.
Ignoring Our Language
The unconscious mind is literal and always lives in the present. So, when individuals tell themselves they will start working out tomorrow – that day never arrives for the unconscious mind. Or, when someone declares, “I will try” or “I should” – they are actually telling their unconscious mind that failure is an option. Therefore, the language necessary to induce real change needs to be very specific to gain the internal cooperation from the real change agent.
Not Understanding How We Learn
I’ve come to understand that all learning happens on the unconscious level. Think about the first time you rode a bike, drove a car, or heard a new telephone number. It wasn’t until you could ride on two wheels effortlessly or recite the telephone number without any mental gymnastics that you had really learned something new. Knowledge alone is not enough, which should explain why just telling someone to do something or attending a one-day training isn’t enough to spark sustainable change. Therefore, repetition is the best way to create new ways of doing or being. In fact, even practicing something in your mind is a great way to create new mental muscle memory.
A Lack of Curiosity About Behaviors
All behavior, programs or strategies are born from the beliefs that send direct neurological commands to the body. Behind every disempowering pattern is a set of protective beliefs. In fact, the only thing our conscious mind does when we engage in behaviors that don’t serve us is to make up stories or reasons for these annoying occurrences. Everything else happens at the unconscious level. Therefore, get curious about why you do the things you do. Look for the beliefs below the behaviors, and question the status quo.
Falsely Relying on Willpower
Willpower or courage is not enough to fuel the change we want in our lives. Sure, sometimes we can push through things by making different choices. Yet studies have proven that our willpower takes us only so far before the mind and body start to slow down and we move into self-preservation mode. What is often viewed as a lack of commitment is actually a depleted energy reservoir. Therefore, unless you are working with someone who specializes in change at the unconscious level – such as an NLP practitioner or hypnotherapist – take change in small steps.
Finally, trust yourself and have faith that you can act in congruence with the person you really are. What you’ll find is that having this empowering mindset has unlimited energy.
First, it’s important to understand that we’re wired to preserve energy. Our unconscious inclination to avoid anything that depletes our energy reserve harks back to the time of primal survival when protecting ourselves was synonymous with continued existence. Though our external reality has changed, our mind and body continue to function in this primal way. On the most basic level, this programming is why change can feel so difficult to navigate.
But the biggest obstacle to change is just that—a feeling tethered to old programming. Change doesn’t have to be so challenging. That is, if we understand the unconscious mind operates from a place of emotion. The conscious mind is rational. Our goal is to get them working together, not opposing each other.
Here are the five most common mistakes I’ve witnessed that keep us from integrating the combined power of the unconscious and conscious mind, and thus, making change easier in our lives.
Goals Without Buy-In
Declarations are made, goals are set, and results are measured in our conscious mind. Yet, the conscious mind contributes little to implementing the changes we desire. In reality, the unconscious mind is in charge. It wants to be emotionally wooed and understand the reasons why change is important. Therefore, any announcement related to doing something new needs to speak to the heart, not just the mind. If not, our motivation will wane very quickly.
Ignoring Our Language
The unconscious mind is literal and always lives in the present. So, when individuals tell themselves they will start working out tomorrow – that day never arrives for the unconscious mind. Or, when someone declares, “I will try” or “I should” – they are actually telling their unconscious mind that failure is an option. Therefore, the language necessary to induce real change needs to be very specific to gain the internal cooperation from the real change agent.
Not Understanding How We Learn
I’ve come to understand that all learning happens on the unconscious level. Think about the first time you rode a bike, drove a car, or heard a new telephone number. It wasn’t until you could ride on two wheels effortlessly or recite the telephone number without any mental gymnastics that you had really learned something new. Knowledge alone is not enough, which should explain why just telling someone to do something or attending a one-day training isn’t enough to spark sustainable change. Therefore, repetition is the best way to create new ways of doing or being. In fact, even practicing something in your mind is a great way to create new mental muscle memory.
A Lack of Curiosity About Behaviors
All behavior, programs or strategies are born from the beliefs that send direct neurological commands to the body. Behind every disempowering pattern is a set of protective beliefs. In fact, the only thing our conscious mind does when we engage in behaviors that don’t serve us is to make up stories or reasons for these annoying occurrences. Everything else happens at the unconscious level. Therefore, get curious about why you do the things you do. Look for the beliefs below the behaviors, and question the status quo.
Falsely Relying on Willpower
Willpower or courage is not enough to fuel the change we want in our lives. Sure, sometimes we can push through things by making different choices. Yet studies have proven that our willpower takes us only so far before the mind and body start to slow down and we move into self-preservation mode. What is often viewed as a lack of commitment is actually a depleted energy reservoir. Therefore, unless you are working with someone who specializes in change at the unconscious level – such as an NLP practitioner or hypnotherapist – take change in small steps.
Finally, trust yourself and have faith that you can act in congruence with the person you really are. What you’ll find is that having this empowering mindset has unlimited energy.
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