Can People Change?

I used to wonder if people could change.  At the time, it was easy to chalk up my own cynicism to two decades in human resources in which I had witnessed the masses struggling to adapt to constructive feedback — even when it held the promise of greater success. And yet today, this very question of whether people can change seems incredibly naïve and shallow. As I work with clients, I want them to understand there is nothing about who they are that needs to change.  Changing people isn’t the answer.  Instead, we need to help people discover more of who they really are.  I know, this declaration might sound a little contradictory, so let me tell you a little more.

Remember, we were born whole, perfect and full of perfection.  We were flexible, creative, adaptable, resourceful, innovative and loving.  We were brimming with possibilities, innate interests and natural inclinations.  And then, life happened.  Our little minds received clear messages that in order to be loved, worthy, maybe even safe, we needed to act or do things in a certain way.  By adulthood, some strategies work.  Others don’t.
  
And yet, we don’t change or transform by “fixing” what’s not working.  This is why training, performance reviews, new years’ resolutions and ultimatums have a short shelf-life.  Take my client who is wicked smart, driven and a deeply committed consultant.  She is already incredibly successful in her own right, but work feels hard and monopolizes her life.  She’s all or nothing when it comes to pleasing her customers — mostly all, which is starting to take a toll on her health.  Our job is not to change or fix who she is, but to help her rediscover those aspects of herself that were hidden away by the message she had to please others, at all costs.

And yet, we’ve become such a doing society that we’ve lost sight of the benefits that come with a sense of being or wholeness.  Which is why this client’s homework assignment was getting more comfortable with the notion that she could be worthy without doing anything.  So in preparation for our next session, her assignment was to relearn how to waste time — her words — which for her included sitting uncomfortably on a park bench without a purpose, attempting small bites of meditation and walking a labyrinth in the middle of the workday.  All of these activities allowed her to address her  unconscious fear of being useless.

As you can see, this is a very different strategy than telling people what’s not working, which happens all the time, right?  Instead of encouraging individuals to transform through wholeness, we encourage people to change by throwing out the comfortable parts of who they are already.  In fact, I can remember being told in one of my annual performance reviews that I sounded like a consultant.  It was implied, “Work on changing that.”  What does one do with that type of feedback?  Without any outside direction, I heightened my self-awareness and questioned my motivations.  In turn, I became paranoid and self-conscious in an environment already wrought with ego, educational pedigree and unrelenting excellence.  I was clearly overcompensating, but I needed someone to guide me.  I didn’t need less of whatever I was exuding, but the counterbalance of something that was clearly missing from within.  I didn’t need to change, but find more of myself.

I know the exact moment when this aspect of who I am was gifted with greater equilibrium.   I was in Southern California and experiencing my very first breakthrough session as the crescendo to my master’s training.  In a crowed hotel conference room filled with thirty other practitioners, I’d spent my morning in a corner with another practitioner sharing the beliefs I had about myself:  I’m not smart enough, good enough, you fill in the blank.  Once I released those old beliefs, there was an invitation to be unapologetically me.  It no longer seemed necessary — consciously or unconsciously — to project something I wasn’t.  I could embrace all aspects of myself. And let’s be clear: these elements of who I am most authentically weren’t willing to come out just because someone suggested I change.

In retrospect, if I would have changed there is the chance I could have let go of what I do well — communicate.   That would be equivalent to throwing out the baby with the bath water.  In fact, my client doesn’t need to change either.  Can you see that?  What we both required was a repertoire of behaviors that come from a greater sense of internal equilibrium, which only emerges when we revive the young character virtues, values and beliefs that were present before we looked at life through the lens of fear.  We didn’t need to change — you don’t need to change — but instead, tap into a pool of internal resources that come along when we embrace more of who we are.  

The Three Culprits of Unhappiness

If there’s anything I’ve learned in my lifetime, it’s that too many people are unhappy.  This first came to light for me in the workplace where so many people are working in jobs they find unfulfilling; literally millions of folks fit in this category.  But I’ve come to witness a level of dissatisfaction and unhappiness that’s almost unexplainable, which made me think recently about what stops people from living more joyous and bliss-filled lives.  From the inspiration of a ten second Twitter post, here are the three most common culprits, I believe, that stop us from achieving greater happiness.

Not knowing what you want:
At the simplest level, too many of us don’t know what’s important to us — meaning what we want to accomplish or do in our lifetime.  Also, I see an absence of intention behind who we want to be or how we want people to remember us.  Even while the research is very clear: it’s not arriving at the destination, but the journey of traveling to achieving our aspirations that brings us joy.  However, with the void of being clear about what we want and the character and values that will help us to get there — happiness alludes even the most talented.

This particular culprit shows up for many reasons, but it’s a protective mindset that dupes most.  Meaning, these folks spend their time trying to avoid something — being broke, unloved, criticized, vulnerable, disappointing others, failure — so much so, they’re often playing defense.  This causes them to spend too much time talking about what they don’t want…and as a result, they’ve forgotten to ask themselves what might be possible on the horizon.  In the worse-case scenario, they’re so stuck that they’ve given up dreaming all together.      

Not wanting what you have:
This nasty culprit creates unhappiness for a couple of reasons.  First, there’s the simple reality that many of us don’t know why we want something in the first place.  Why do so many want power, possessions or unending wealth?  Is it about impact, contribution or service to humanity?  Or, is it about feeling in control, worthy, good enough or smart enough?  If driven by the latter and unaware, these poor folks find themselves chasing happiness on the hedonic treadmill and external circumstances to quench their thirst.
   
Also, this is an absence of gratitude for what we have.  I know this statement might sounds trite, but it’s true.  In the constant striving for what’s next, we’ve forget that many of the experiences, possessions or privileges we once valued or wanted are the things we now take for granted.  Even in scenarios that aren’t ideal, we can still feel gratitude for our freedom of conscious choice.  Viktor Frankl, a holocaust survivor who went on to write A Man’s Search for Meaning exemplified this by highlighting that we can always choose the attitude and perspective we bring to a situation.  Frankl found gratitude in the fact that no one could take away his inner most thoughts.

Wanting more than you have:
I’m not sure I have to say much about this one.  As a society we love big, more and bigger.  Overconsumption and envy is at a pandemic.  The famous director, Tom Shadyac, who made films like Ace Ventura and Pet Detective, highlights how he came to terms with his own consumption indulgence in the recently released documentary I AM.  In other words, Shadyac points out the lines between what we want and what we really need have become blurred. 

We don’t often receive lessons from looking at other people’s lives.  So, the thoughts I share today don’t come from a place of platitude or judgment, but from living my own life.  My hope for you is that the questions that now guide me can also help you:  is what I need really important or what is my real intention; why do I want this or what will it say about me as a person if I don’t have/do this; and, do I really need more?  I believe that, in those questions, you’ll find the answers to true happiness.