Can People Change?

I used to wonder if people could change.  At the time, it was easy to chalk up my own cynicism to two decades in human resources in which I had witnessed the masses struggling to adapt to constructive feedback — even when it held the promise of greater success. And yet today, this very question of whether people can change seems incredibly naïve and shallow. As I work with clients, I want them to understand there is nothing about who they are that needs to change.  Changing people isn’t the answer.  Instead, we need to help people discover more of who they really are.  I know, this declaration might sound a little contradictory, so let me tell you a little more.

Remember, we were born whole, perfect and full of perfection.  We were flexible, creative, adaptable, resourceful, innovative and loving.  We were brimming with possibilities, innate interests and natural inclinations.  And then, life happened.  Our little minds received clear messages that in order to be loved, worthy, maybe even safe, we needed to act or do things in a certain way.  By adulthood, some strategies work.  Others don’t.
  
And yet, we don’t change or transform by “fixing” what’s not working.  This is why training, performance reviews, new years’ resolutions and ultimatums have a short shelf-life.  Take my client who is wicked smart, driven and a deeply committed consultant.  She is already incredibly successful in her own right, but work feels hard and monopolizes her life.  She’s all or nothing when it comes to pleasing her customers — mostly all, which is starting to take a toll on her health.  Our job is not to change or fix who she is, but to help her rediscover those aspects of herself that were hidden away by the message she had to please others, at all costs.

And yet, we’ve become such a doing society that we’ve lost sight of the benefits that come with a sense of being or wholeness.  Which is why this client’s homework assignment was getting more comfortable with the notion that she could be worthy without doing anything.  So in preparation for our next session, her assignment was to relearn how to waste time — her words — which for her included sitting uncomfortably on a park bench without a purpose, attempting small bites of meditation and walking a labyrinth in the middle of the workday.  All of these activities allowed her to address her  unconscious fear of being useless.

As you can see, this is a very different strategy than telling people what’s not working, which happens all the time, right?  Instead of encouraging individuals to transform through wholeness, we encourage people to change by throwing out the comfortable parts of who they are already.  In fact, I can remember being told in one of my annual performance reviews that I sounded like a consultant.  It was implied, “Work on changing that.”  What does one do with that type of feedback?  Without any outside direction, I heightened my self-awareness and questioned my motivations.  In turn, I became paranoid and self-conscious in an environment already wrought with ego, educational pedigree and unrelenting excellence.  I was clearly overcompensating, but I needed someone to guide me.  I didn’t need less of whatever I was exuding, but the counterbalance of something that was clearly missing from within.  I didn’t need to change, but find more of myself.

I know the exact moment when this aspect of who I am was gifted with greater equilibrium.   I was in Southern California and experiencing my very first breakthrough session as the crescendo to my master’s training.  In a crowed hotel conference room filled with thirty other practitioners, I’d spent my morning in a corner with another practitioner sharing the beliefs I had about myself:  I’m not smart enough, good enough, you fill in the blank.  Once I released those old beliefs, there was an invitation to be unapologetically me.  It no longer seemed necessary — consciously or unconsciously — to project something I wasn’t.  I could embrace all aspects of myself. And let’s be clear: these elements of who I am most authentically weren’t willing to come out just because someone suggested I change.

In retrospect, if I would have changed there is the chance I could have let go of what I do well — communicate.   That would be equivalent to throwing out the baby with the bath water.  In fact, my client doesn’t need to change either.  Can you see that?  What we both required was a repertoire of behaviors that come from a greater sense of internal equilibrium, which only emerges when we revive the young character virtues, values and beliefs that were present before we looked at life through the lens of fear.  We didn’t need to change — you don’t need to change — but instead, tap into a pool of internal resources that come along when we embrace more of who we are.