If there’s anything I’ve learned in my lifetime, it’s that too many people are unhappy. This first came to light for me in the workplace where so many people are working in jobs they find unfulfilling; literally millions of folks fit in this category. But I’ve come to witness a level of dissatisfaction and unhappiness that’s almost unexplainable, which made me think recently about what stops people from living more joyous and bliss-filled lives. From the inspiration of a ten second Twitter post, here are the three most common culprits, I believe, that stop us from achieving greater happiness.
Not knowing what you want:
At the simplest level, too many of us don’t know what’s important to us — meaning what we want to accomplish or do in our lifetime. Also, I see an absence of intention behind who we want to be or how we want people to remember us. Even while the research is very clear: it’s not arriving at the destination, but the journey of traveling to achieving our aspirations that brings us joy. However, with the void of being clear about what we want and the character and values that will help us to get there — happiness alludes even the most talented.
This particular culprit shows up for many reasons, but it’s a protective mindset that dupes most. Meaning, these folks spend their time trying to avoid something — being broke, unloved, criticized, vulnerable, disappointing others, failure — so much so, they’re often playing defense. This causes them to spend too much time talking about what they don’t want…and as a result, they’ve forgotten to ask themselves what might be possible on the horizon. In the worse-case scenario, they’re so stuck that they’ve given up dreaming all together.
Not wanting what you have:
This nasty culprit creates unhappiness for a couple of reasons. First, there’s the simple reality that many of us don’t know why we want something in the first place. Why do so many want power, possessions or unending wealth? Is it about impact, contribution or service to humanity? Or, is it about feeling in control, worthy, good enough or smart enough? If driven by the latter and unaware, these poor folks find themselves chasing happiness on the hedonic treadmill and external circumstances to quench their thirst.
Also, this is an absence of gratitude for what we have. I know this statement might sounds trite, but it’s true. In the constant striving for what’s next, we’ve forget that many of the experiences, possessions or privileges we once valued or wanted are the things we now take for granted. Even in scenarios that aren’t ideal, we can still feel gratitude for our freedom of conscious choice. Viktor Frankl, a holocaust survivor who went on to write A Man’s Search for Meaning exemplified this by highlighting that we can always choose the attitude and perspective we bring to a situation. Frankl found gratitude in the fact that no one could take away his inner most thoughts.
Wanting more than you have:
I’m not sure I have to say much about this one. As a society we love big, more and bigger. Overconsumption and envy is at a pandemic. The famous director, Tom Shadyac, who made films like Ace Ventura and Pet Detective, highlights how he came to terms with his own consumption indulgence in the recently released documentary I AM. In other words, Shadyac points out the lines between what we want and what we really need have become blurred.
We don’t often receive lessons from looking at other people’s lives. So, the thoughts I share today don’t come from a place of platitude or judgment, but from living my own life. My hope for you is that the questions that now guide me can also help you: is what I need really important or what is my real intention; why do I want this or what will it say about me as a person if I don’t have/do this; and, do I really need more? I believe that, in those questions, you’ll find the answers to true happiness.
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