People have problems; they’re a reality of living life. However, most people are trying to solve problems at the level of the symptom, while the disease goes untreated. I’m going to tell you how to determine if the action you take is only solving the symptom while the root-cause is left untreated and left to manifest more problems again in the future.
Let’s explore how to identify the root cause by diving into a very common dilemma that surfaced this week for a client. With her permission, I am going to share how we got to the bottom of her problem - the inability to create work-life balance. I want to be clear that it would have been easy to jump right into setting priorities or boundaries, but just taking any action is not the answer to all ailments. No, what we want is to solve the real problem with right action, which means we want to know why this woman created the situation in the first place. So, we start there:
Step One: Do you own the problem?
Yes, owning the problem has to be the starting point. Most, if not all, of our problems are self-created by our beliefs. This woman could have easily blamed the culture, her manager, or the heavy workload. Instead, she said she wanted to figure out how she was creating this situation. This was a perfect starting point.
Step Two: Are you specific enough about the problem?
Once there’s ownership, you want to determine how this situation is a problem. Though a lack of work-life balance is commonplace in our society, the way it impacts this woman’s life will be specific to her. She shares that she isn’t able to leave the office until everything is done. As you can see, this is still too broad - so we explore how she continues to do this problem almost every day of the week. This is called a strategy.
Step Three: How do you do the problem?
In this step we are exploring, in detail, how someone runs a strategy that creates a specific problem time and time again. You want them to relive the experience as if they are looking through their own eyes. Using the same level of intricacy she would use to describe tying her shoes or making the bed, the client provided step-by-step details of what happens when the clock says it is time to leave but her head says stay a little longer. As if we were watching a movie together…frame-by-frame…in slow motion…she walks me through how she does this problem. Early in the process, she explains she feels guilty…bingo!
Step Four: Can you connect to the emotion of the problem?
At some point, an emotion will be part of the strategy. It could be anger, sadness, guilt, anxiety, or fear. In fact, often the problem itself is an attempt to avoid a more exaggerated emotion. For our purposes, the emotion tells us we are getting closer to the root cause by tapping the beliefs held at the unconscious level. If emotions aren’t surfacing, it means the person is trying to rationalize their behavior instead of exploring it fully.
Step Five: What does the emotion tell you or what comes after the emotion?
Once you connect to the emotion, this is the time to pay close attention. Language always holds important clues to what’s really going on. For this client, there was an internal conversation that said, “If I don’t get everything done or say no, it would mean people might not want me. They might go to someone else in the future.” As we explore this statement together, the client discloses it is almost impossible for her to say “no.” The problem is getting even more specific — her inability to say no — and we’re on the threshold of uncovering the beliefs behind the behavior.
Step Six: What would it say about you as a person if you abandoned this problem?
This step will uncover the beliefs behind the behavior. In her case, by saying “yes” all the time, she has been attempting to avoid disappointing people and being viewed as selfish or unproductive. Here are the beliefs she uncovered: it’s not okay to disappoint people, to be selfish, lazy. And not being nice is absolutely out of the question…even if it generates self-sacrifice and resentment in the process.
Step Seven: What is the earliest experience that comes to mind as you talk about these beliefs?
Our job now is to connect to the experiences that created these beliefs. The easiest way to do this is by asking the unconscious mind to give you the first or earliest experience that comes up after talking about your beliefs. And like magic, the unconscious mind will serve up some important insight.
What came up right away for my client is a memory of getting that look from her father if she ever disappointed him; no words were necessary. So, this woman learned early in life that being nice, obliging and productive was the perfect way to be loved and, more important — to stay out of trouble. As you can see there was no malicious intent or childhood trauma involved; just the work of the little brain creating a well-intentioned strategy to make her feel loved. In fact, this is the root cause of the problem — an overriding need to be loved and wanted.
Can you see that putting first things first, making schedule changes or delegating wouldn’t have solved the problem at the level of the root cause? Once she feels she is truly wanted, needed and loved as a result of who she is—not by what she does— she can show up fully unencumbered by old strategies. Until then, she has the invaluable opportunity to negotiate, reframe or let those old beliefs go, allowing her to determine what new strategies she’d like to employ in order to have more balance in her life.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Becoming Enough
How often do you feel enough? Slim enough, successful enough, loved enough, smart enough, worthy enough, accepted enough…just enough. I’m not talking about intellectually embracing the value of loving yourself unconditionally, but feeling I AM ENOUGH in every cell of your body? That’s right — if you are like many people, the notion that you are good enough is a platitude never to be reached. In fact, it’s the biggest complaint from my clients. I’d like to tell you why this untruth can feel true and what you can do to change your reality.
First, it is important to understand that though the feelings of insecurity might be commonplace, the reasons individuals hold this belief — I am not good enough — are as unique and different as your DNA because it is your individual experiences that tell you it is true. It’s like you’ve been unconsciously accumulating evidence to prove this mind-body fallacy all your life: dad criticized the way I painted the house, my parents divorced because of me, I didn’t get 100% on the math test, I was told my body wasn’t good enough — either through words or deed, I never won a spelling bee, or most unfortunate, someone told me so without any mincing of words.
The accumulation of evidence starts early in life — sometimes without the validity of testing the evidence with the rational mind — and by adulthood, the file cabinet entitled not enough is bulging at the seams.
In the same way we have a file cabinet, we also have a file clerk. The personal file clerk is charged with automatically going to the archives of past experiences in an effort to gain insight into what’s really transpiring in the present moment. When the boss at work declares, “I am disappointed with the outcome of the project”, the file clerk looks for a similar situation which transpired in the past. And, there...in the not good enough cabinet, the file clerk finds a file folder entitled not competent…and immediately informs you how to interpret and feel about today’s experience based on the content in that folder. Of course, the file clerk is also placing this new piece of evidence away for safe keeping.
This reality — that our experiences of today are processed by our internal file clerk — tells us why many well-intentioned and productive strategies don’t solve today’s experience of your not feeling good enough. Things like gratitude, positive affirmations, prayer, or even therapy are effective strategies if they allow you to make more empowering decisions. However, because you haven’t cleaned out the old file cabinets which hold the misguided evidence of your accumulated unworthiness or lack of perfection, the file clerk still has easy admittance to the files you no longer want to access.
Because these files are still available, one day you might make a conscious empowering decision, but the next day still find yourself reverting back to old unconscious behaviors or decisions that don't serve you. This pattern will continue to be your reality until a decision is made to spring clean the disempowering stuff accumulated in your old file cabinets.
Depending on one’s life experiences, the nature and depth of the file archives will obviously differ. But regardless, the process of clearing out old file cabinets is swift and easy compared to standard therapy timeframes. Even for a client who experienced trauma early in her life, the feeling that I AM ENOUGH and THERE IS ENOUGH returned after just two full-day sessions using my favorite healing modalities.
And yet, there are many paths to healing. So if you want to feel the sense of I AM ENOUGH at the cellular level, start the process of clearing old debris. There are all kinds of productive and instant healing strategies to expedite the process, all of which I’ve experienced: energy work, exploring past lives, emotional freedom technique, breath therapy, and of course, my personal favorites — the various awakening therapies I use in my practice. I promise you, living in a world of enough is worth the exploration.
First, it is important to understand that though the feelings of insecurity might be commonplace, the reasons individuals hold this belief — I am not good enough — are as unique and different as your DNA because it is your individual experiences that tell you it is true. It’s like you’ve been unconsciously accumulating evidence to prove this mind-body fallacy all your life: dad criticized the way I painted the house, my parents divorced because of me, I didn’t get 100% on the math test, I was told my body wasn’t good enough — either through words or deed, I never won a spelling bee, or most unfortunate, someone told me so without any mincing of words.
The accumulation of evidence starts early in life — sometimes without the validity of testing the evidence with the rational mind — and by adulthood, the file cabinet entitled not enough is bulging at the seams.
In the same way we have a file cabinet, we also have a file clerk. The personal file clerk is charged with automatically going to the archives of past experiences in an effort to gain insight into what’s really transpiring in the present moment. When the boss at work declares, “I am disappointed with the outcome of the project”, the file clerk looks for a similar situation which transpired in the past. And, there...in the not good enough cabinet, the file clerk finds a file folder entitled not competent…and immediately informs you how to interpret and feel about today’s experience based on the content in that folder. Of course, the file clerk is also placing this new piece of evidence away for safe keeping.
This reality — that our experiences of today are processed by our internal file clerk — tells us why many well-intentioned and productive strategies don’t solve today’s experience of your not feeling good enough. Things like gratitude, positive affirmations, prayer, or even therapy are effective strategies if they allow you to make more empowering decisions. However, because you haven’t cleaned out the old file cabinets which hold the misguided evidence of your accumulated unworthiness or lack of perfection, the file clerk still has easy admittance to the files you no longer want to access.
Because these files are still available, one day you might make a conscious empowering decision, but the next day still find yourself reverting back to old unconscious behaviors or decisions that don't serve you. This pattern will continue to be your reality until a decision is made to spring clean the disempowering stuff accumulated in your old file cabinets.
Depending on one’s life experiences, the nature and depth of the file archives will obviously differ. But regardless, the process of clearing out old file cabinets is swift and easy compared to standard therapy timeframes. Even for a client who experienced trauma early in her life, the feeling that I AM ENOUGH and THERE IS ENOUGH returned after just two full-day sessions using my favorite healing modalities.
And yet, there are many paths to healing. So if you want to feel the sense of I AM ENOUGH at the cellular level, start the process of clearing old debris. There are all kinds of productive and instant healing strategies to expedite the process, all of which I’ve experienced: energy work, exploring past lives, emotional freedom technique, breath therapy, and of course, my personal favorites — the various awakening therapies I use in my practice. I promise you, living in a world of enough is worth the exploration.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
The Little Brain Makes Scary, Scarier
Most people today understand that our childhood shapes how we see, experience and respond to the world around us. So much so, it’s easy to assume someone who’s subjected to a challenging upbringing is at risk for carrying unwanted protective “baggage” into adulthood. And yet, we now know that a design flaw of the brain can easily misinterpret even the most benign of childhood experiences into scary memories that can hold us captive for a lifetime.
In the simplest terms, the design flaw is tied to the fact that humans are born with a fully functional old brain at birth. This part of the brain does many things, but most importantly, it contains the primitive hardwiring for protection and safety. In other words, it is always on high alert for threats. This mechanism is exacerbated in the precious and formative years of a child, when the absence of the yet-developed new brain leaves a child without logic and reason to counterbalance the protective tendencies of the mind. In fact, most people are surprised to learn the cognitive abilities housed in the new brain will not fully mature until the child reaches their early twenties.
This natural wiring causes our little protective mind to translate benign experiences into significant events. For a small child, a stern warning on the dangers of snakes can easily morph into an uncontrollable snake phobia by adulthood — as was the case for one of my clients. And, it makes scary events even scarier. A locked door at naptime in the child’s eye is a devastating sentence of trapped. The moment is seared into the unconscious mind in a collage of pictures, sounds, and feelings that tells the child what to avoid in the future. And as the child moves into adulthood, she is inclined to make a series of decisions meant to keep her safe from ever being trapped again. I know this because my client brought this scenario to my office just this week, which is probably why this morning’s circumstance seemed so poignant.
It was just 6:52 a.m. when the blood curdling screams made their way through my hotel door, “Mommy! I…WANT… MY.. MOMMY!!”
A minute passed with escalating volumes and intensity, and I knew this wasn’t an ordinary tantrum. I entered the hallway and saw a frightened little girl who couldn’t have been more than three. It appeared she had somehow been locked out of her room, which is what I surmised from her huddling body in the doorway. Her face was red with fear as she attempted to catch her breath in-between cries for her mother.
A minute or two later her mother made her way down the hallway. Her approach was nonchalant and her explanation irreverent, "I left her in the hallway to give her a timeout. Sorry if it woke you up."
Though I didn’t ask and she didn’t volunteer, I’m sure she had some rationalization for the decision she made to momentarily leave the child: her sanity, exhaustion, ill-advice given to her. After all, I had a million “excuses” for all the poor choices I’d made, but that didn’t stop me from voicing my opinion. I was mortified, and said just as much.
After all, I was now fully aware of the potential repercussions of how this event could impact her adult life. Just like the woman in my office this week who’d spent half of her life trying to avoid being abandoned or trapped again in incredibly well-intentioned ways, the experience of this little girl has the potential to change the trajectory of her life. The chances she won’t surrender to the protective inclinations seared into her unconscious mind created in that small five-minute window will be dependent on conscious choices that will feel totally foreign and contradictory to her instincts. It could happen, but it is equally probable that she will move through life making limiting decisions meant to keep her safe from similar circumstances.
So, you see anyone who experienced a childhood is at risk for having baggage. If words of caution can grow into a phobia, then making fun of a small child for coloring outside the lines can translate into a lifetime in search of perfection. Being reprimanded for crying on your first day at school becomes an unconscious prompt to avoid any situation that could feel emotional. A brief experience of feeling abandoned or trapped becomes a charter to stay in control at any cost, because the old brain makes the scary…scarier.
In the simplest terms, the design flaw is tied to the fact that humans are born with a fully functional old brain at birth. This part of the brain does many things, but most importantly, it contains the primitive hardwiring for protection and safety. In other words, it is always on high alert for threats. This mechanism is exacerbated in the precious and formative years of a child, when the absence of the yet-developed new brain leaves a child without logic and reason to counterbalance the protective tendencies of the mind. In fact, most people are surprised to learn the cognitive abilities housed in the new brain will not fully mature until the child reaches their early twenties.
This natural wiring causes our little protective mind to translate benign experiences into significant events. For a small child, a stern warning on the dangers of snakes can easily morph into an uncontrollable snake phobia by adulthood — as was the case for one of my clients. And, it makes scary events even scarier. A locked door at naptime in the child’s eye is a devastating sentence of trapped. The moment is seared into the unconscious mind in a collage of pictures, sounds, and feelings that tells the child what to avoid in the future. And as the child moves into adulthood, she is inclined to make a series of decisions meant to keep her safe from ever being trapped again. I know this because my client brought this scenario to my office just this week, which is probably why this morning’s circumstance seemed so poignant.
It was just 6:52 a.m. when the blood curdling screams made their way through my hotel door, “Mommy! I…WANT… MY.. MOMMY!!”
A minute passed with escalating volumes and intensity, and I knew this wasn’t an ordinary tantrum. I entered the hallway and saw a frightened little girl who couldn’t have been more than three. It appeared she had somehow been locked out of her room, which is what I surmised from her huddling body in the doorway. Her face was red with fear as she attempted to catch her breath in-between cries for her mother.
A minute or two later her mother made her way down the hallway. Her approach was nonchalant and her explanation irreverent, "I left her in the hallway to give her a timeout. Sorry if it woke you up."
Though I didn’t ask and she didn’t volunteer, I’m sure she had some rationalization for the decision she made to momentarily leave the child: her sanity, exhaustion, ill-advice given to her. After all, I had a million “excuses” for all the poor choices I’d made, but that didn’t stop me from voicing my opinion. I was mortified, and said just as much.
After all, I was now fully aware of the potential repercussions of how this event could impact her adult life. Just like the woman in my office this week who’d spent half of her life trying to avoid being abandoned or trapped again in incredibly well-intentioned ways, the experience of this little girl has the potential to change the trajectory of her life. The chances she won’t surrender to the protective inclinations seared into her unconscious mind created in that small five-minute window will be dependent on conscious choices that will feel totally foreign and contradictory to her instincts. It could happen, but it is equally probable that she will move through life making limiting decisions meant to keep her safe from similar circumstances.
So, you see anyone who experienced a childhood is at risk for having baggage. If words of caution can grow into a phobia, then making fun of a small child for coloring outside the lines can translate into a lifetime in search of perfection. Being reprimanded for crying on your first day at school becomes an unconscious prompt to avoid any situation that could feel emotional. A brief experience of feeling abandoned or trapped becomes a charter to stay in control at any cost, because the old brain makes the scary…scarier.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Getting Clear and Congruent
Are feelings and thoughts enough to create the things we want in life? In 2006, the bestselling movie and book entitled The Secret gained widespread popularity by telling us just that. If we declare our intentions and step into the emotions of already receiving what we desire, the result will manifest itself. I’m not here to debunk the notion, but to share what they forgot to tell you.
You have to take action. That’s right — you have to be prepared do something.
We shouldn’t ask for the perfect mate and then, hide in our apartment. The first plan of action doesn’t have to be a blind date, but it should mean making eye contact with potential suitors during the morning coffee run. We must be prepared to vote with our feet, especially if our emotions aren’t rallying around our intention.
Today, a lovely young woman told me how she recently stepped into her intention. She’d been looking for a new job, so she could join her fiancé on the other side of the state. Her search was turning up empty handed, and she was on the brink of giving up. Then, she decided she was moving — job or no job — and declared it out loud. A gutsy move in this economy, right? But the next day she had a promising interview, which quickly turned into a job offer. As she said, “Once my intention to move was solid, it all just fell into place.”
You see, once she solidified the decision with action there was an internal sense of congruency. She was reconciling what she wanted and declaring what was possible with her deeds, and her emotions authentically responded in-kind. Once you are clear and congruent, the energy flows very differently and there is an opening created for new possibilities.
The other thing The Secret failed to disclose was the necessity to check the motivation behind the intention. When our desires are generated from a place of protection, fear, or ego, the intention won’t gain any forward movement because playing defense doesn’t provide the emotional traction we need. When we want more clients, for example, from a place of desperation – it will be easy to get more angst instead. You have to sink into the emotions of realizing more clients from a place of love, service, and gratitude if you want to build your business. That’s what changed the face of my practice.
I had my own example recently of bringing this mindset to life. I used to have a dream of being on Oprah. I just envisioned I would write a book, which would make me a natural shoe-in for a guest spot. I know, my dreams were big. Anyway, the Oprah Show was recently running a contest with the prize of tickets to be in the studio audience for one of her last shows. The entry was a short video describing how Oprah had changed or impacted your life.
Now, I normally don’t do contests but there was something that wouldn’t allow me to delete the contest email from my inbox. So, I made a video. And in that moment, I took emotional stock of the fact that I no longer wanted to be on her show from a place of ego. There was nothing to prove, just heartfelt thanks. Also, by making the video — not just thinking about it — I was amplifying the gratitude I felt for Oprah’s wisdom and guidance over the years.
Specifically, I remembered when Oprah's guest Sarah Ban Breathnach, the author of Simple Abundance, transformed me from a viewer of life to a participant of life. The invitation to embrace gratitude as a daily practice moved me into action. Years later, it seems so clear that my own journey of self-discovery and spiritual awakening started in the moment that I bought that book.
And yes, I’m heading to Chicago in May. But here’s the beautiful part — I never submitted the video. My production was too long, which meant I needed to find another window to finish my project. In the interim and unbeknownst to me, an appreciative client and friend took it upon herself to see if she could use a personal contact to get some Oprah tickets. It appears she, too, was feeling deeply grateful for our work together.
So you see, good intentions and positive vibes created the outcomes we both desired. It started with a dream and turned into action, but it wouldn’t have unfolded without the congruency of the emotions born from a place of love, gratitude, and service. And, Chicago here I come!
You have to take action. That’s right — you have to be prepared do something.
We shouldn’t ask for the perfect mate and then, hide in our apartment. The first plan of action doesn’t have to be a blind date, but it should mean making eye contact with potential suitors during the morning coffee run. We must be prepared to vote with our feet, especially if our emotions aren’t rallying around our intention.
Today, a lovely young woman told me how she recently stepped into her intention. She’d been looking for a new job, so she could join her fiancé on the other side of the state. Her search was turning up empty handed, and she was on the brink of giving up. Then, she decided she was moving — job or no job — and declared it out loud. A gutsy move in this economy, right? But the next day she had a promising interview, which quickly turned into a job offer. As she said, “Once my intention to move was solid, it all just fell into place.”
You see, once she solidified the decision with action there was an internal sense of congruency. She was reconciling what she wanted and declaring what was possible with her deeds, and her emotions authentically responded in-kind. Once you are clear and congruent, the energy flows very differently and there is an opening created for new possibilities.
The other thing The Secret failed to disclose was the necessity to check the motivation behind the intention. When our desires are generated from a place of protection, fear, or ego, the intention won’t gain any forward movement because playing defense doesn’t provide the emotional traction we need. When we want more clients, for example, from a place of desperation – it will be easy to get more angst instead. You have to sink into the emotions of realizing more clients from a place of love, service, and gratitude if you want to build your business. That’s what changed the face of my practice.
I had my own example recently of bringing this mindset to life. I used to have a dream of being on Oprah. I just envisioned I would write a book, which would make me a natural shoe-in for a guest spot. I know, my dreams were big. Anyway, the Oprah Show was recently running a contest with the prize of tickets to be in the studio audience for one of her last shows. The entry was a short video describing how Oprah had changed or impacted your life.
Now, I normally don’t do contests but there was something that wouldn’t allow me to delete the contest email from my inbox. So, I made a video. And in that moment, I took emotional stock of the fact that I no longer wanted to be on her show from a place of ego. There was nothing to prove, just heartfelt thanks. Also, by making the video — not just thinking about it — I was amplifying the gratitude I felt for Oprah’s wisdom and guidance over the years.
Specifically, I remembered when Oprah's guest Sarah Ban Breathnach, the author of Simple Abundance, transformed me from a viewer of life to a participant of life. The invitation to embrace gratitude as a daily practice moved me into action. Years later, it seems so clear that my own journey of self-discovery and spiritual awakening started in the moment that I bought that book.
And yes, I’m heading to Chicago in May. But here’s the beautiful part — I never submitted the video. My production was too long, which meant I needed to find another window to finish my project. In the interim and unbeknownst to me, an appreciative client and friend took it upon herself to see if she could use a personal contact to get some Oprah tickets. It appears she, too, was feeling deeply grateful for our work together.
So you see, good intentions and positive vibes created the outcomes we both desired. It started with a dream and turned into action, but it wouldn’t have unfolded without the congruency of the emotions born from a place of love, gratitude, and service. And, Chicago here I come!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Red Lights Are Not an Invitation to Park Your Car
You’ve probably known someone who spends their life at the mercy of circumstances, people, or “dumb-luck.” Their life appears to be a series of disappointments punctuated by all the red lights, obstacles along the way. Some people call them victims, but I’ve never been a fan of that term because it discounts those who experience real tragedy. I think a more suitable label would be people who haven’t learned how to remove obstacles by asking more empowering questions.
I know—it's not as punchy as victim, but it explains what can differentiate a results-oriented person from someone who has lots of excuses. I'm very clear that the person who enjoys more of what they want in life asks fundamentally different questions in the face of adversity or setbacks. When they hit a “red light,” they don’t sit idly by and complain about the unscheduled stop. Instead, they look for the good or lessons in the brief pause. Then if the light doesn’t change quickly, they ask questions which are meant to move them forward in a different way. They understand that they own 100% of the responsibility, so excuses and reasons aren’t an option.
The opposite is also true; people who relinquish responsibility ask themselves disempowering questions meant to keep them stuck in the effect of their disappointment. Just yesterday I witnessed a conversation that highlighted this exact scenario.
This person had been at a red light for over three weeks and was showing no progress. The excuses started with a cancelled meeting, but quickly turned into a one-sided discourse highlighting all the self-imposed reasons that made progress impossible: the time difference, busy schedules, competing priorities, a lack of commitment on the part of the other person. I knew the conversation all too well, since excuses and reasons were easily a part of my earlier existence. Though I had no idea what specific questions he’d asked himself to keep his progress stalled, I was pretty clear how I used to handle a situation like this.
First, I have to say I was brilliant at complaining and a master at using external diversions to my benefit. So, I probably would have spent time stewing and/or speculating why the meeting was cancelled: wasn’t my time, the commitment, or our work together just as important? This could have easily taken me down the unproductive path of projecting my problem onto the other person, which solves nothing. I would have certainly entertained all the reasons why this scheduling snafu would impede my progress, because this is where I’d validate the interference and compile the reasons to give up. None of this is pretty to admit, but I suspect I might have come up with very similar excuses as what I heard yesterday. And like him, I would have reached a dead end.
But dead ends don't exist when we take 100% responsibility for what we want. When a meeting is cancelled, this becomes nothing more than a momentary setback. Instead of questioning the motive or reason for the cancellation, you ask yourself what outcomes you need from the meeting that you might get in a different way? Rather than calculating how the temporary pause will impede progress, you ask yourself…how can I make this setback irrelevant? This ability to get deeply curious about how to move forward in the face of adversity is the characteristic of empowered folks. Simply, they change circumstances by asking questions that fuel on-going momentum.
So much so, it’s easy to spot them. They talk about progress, solutions, and results. Not because of luck or a lack of obstacles, but because they’ve come to understand that a red light is not an invitation to park your car.
I know—it's not as punchy as victim, but it explains what can differentiate a results-oriented person from someone who has lots of excuses. I'm very clear that the person who enjoys more of what they want in life asks fundamentally different questions in the face of adversity or setbacks. When they hit a “red light,” they don’t sit idly by and complain about the unscheduled stop. Instead, they look for the good or lessons in the brief pause. Then if the light doesn’t change quickly, they ask questions which are meant to move them forward in a different way. They understand that they own 100% of the responsibility, so excuses and reasons aren’t an option.
The opposite is also true; people who relinquish responsibility ask themselves disempowering questions meant to keep them stuck in the effect of their disappointment. Just yesterday I witnessed a conversation that highlighted this exact scenario.
This person had been at a red light for over three weeks and was showing no progress. The excuses started with a cancelled meeting, but quickly turned into a one-sided discourse highlighting all the self-imposed reasons that made progress impossible: the time difference, busy schedules, competing priorities, a lack of commitment on the part of the other person. I knew the conversation all too well, since excuses and reasons were easily a part of my earlier existence. Though I had no idea what specific questions he’d asked himself to keep his progress stalled, I was pretty clear how I used to handle a situation like this.
First, I have to say I was brilliant at complaining and a master at using external diversions to my benefit. So, I probably would have spent time stewing and/or speculating why the meeting was cancelled: wasn’t my time, the commitment, or our work together just as important? This could have easily taken me down the unproductive path of projecting my problem onto the other person, which solves nothing. I would have certainly entertained all the reasons why this scheduling snafu would impede my progress, because this is where I’d validate the interference and compile the reasons to give up. None of this is pretty to admit, but I suspect I might have come up with very similar excuses as what I heard yesterday. And like him, I would have reached a dead end.
But dead ends don't exist when we take 100% responsibility for what we want. When a meeting is cancelled, this becomes nothing more than a momentary setback. Instead of questioning the motive or reason for the cancellation, you ask yourself what outcomes you need from the meeting that you might get in a different way? Rather than calculating how the temporary pause will impede progress, you ask yourself…how can I make this setback irrelevant? This ability to get deeply curious about how to move forward in the face of adversity is the characteristic of empowered folks. Simply, they change circumstances by asking questions that fuel on-going momentum.
So much so, it’s easy to spot them. They talk about progress, solutions, and results. Not because of luck or a lack of obstacles, but because they’ve come to understand that a red light is not an invitation to park your car.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Lipstick without a Dream
The statistic alone tells an interesting story—it’s estimated that 75 percent of folks wake-up on Monday morning uninspired about what they do for a living. In response to this epidemic, a plethora of experts, consultants and coaches are making their living telling us how to solve this unfortunate phenomenon. Most of the advice, I believe, isn’t getting to the root cause of why so many individuals aren’t able to bring their hearts to the office. We are afraid.
I’m not talking about the kind of fear that causes us to lock our car doors and bedroom windows, but rather the type that closes our spirit and puts us in self-preservation mode. We fear this isn’t the right career, or we’re nervous it is. In the backs of our minds, we wrestle with the anxiety that we’re not good enough, smart enough, or deserving enough and then we stop short of going after what we really want. Hell, sometimes the fear-based tendencies of the mind can cause even the most talented to give up dreaming all together.
Of course, sadness is what I feel when I think about the people who have taken dreaming off the table. If I give myself license to connect with this sadness in this very moment—I am easily transported to the 75th floor of the prestigious Columbia Tower Club. It was an evening meant for celebration. I’d extracted myself from the masses of high heels and clinking glasses to make my way to the floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking Seattle so I could discretely check my phone. My intuition told me a quick look would explain the disappointing no-show.
Like the other ten women gathered together in the room that night, the Columbia grad on the other end of the text had made a year-long commitment to find work that feeds her soul. And yet, the first cryptic message on my screen solidifies it is not always enough to intimately understand our strengths, passions, purpose…when our mental and emotional barriers won’t allow us to get out of our head and listen to the whispers of our soul.
I am dressed, lipstick on, but can’t make myself walk out the front door.
This evening had been meant to culminate the work we’d all done together in the past year, as well as imaginatively dream out loud about the possibilities of the future by pretending we were at our 5-year reunion. But, this invitation had proven too much for this amazing woman whose companionship with fear promises to keep her safe…if she will only keep herself small.
I don’t have any dreams.
I take a deep breath, send a supportive text, and turn myself around with a smile. I need to be strong for those who are attending this evening. Our celebration has already shown itself to be a success if I measure the energy level in the room. I reenter the swirl of events by taking a hors d’oeuvre from the server, wiping my tears and following the laughter in hopes of saving my professional make-up job done especially for this evening.
But when the lashes came off later that evening, I knew the absence of this woman was the final call I needed to evolve my coaching practice. Though incredibly important work, it is not always enough to identify the strengths, passions and priorities that promise to create more meaning and engagement at work. This knowledge, however important, has the potential to offer only limited success when there are old beliefs, strategies and programs that keep even the most well-intentioned individual swirling in her head, captive to her fears, and away from her dreams.
As the years have passed since the time of that event, I’ve become more convinced that our biggest business epidemic is really a societal pandemic. It’s not that we don’t love work. We don’t love life. This tragedy can’t be fixed with another newfangled career engagement theory or strategy from me, or anyone else. Instead, this is our time to understand we are wired early in life from a place of primal fear; yet, when we remove these mental obstacles meant to protect us, we can connect directly to our hearts. And, from this place of truth is where we will find work – and a life – that feeds the soul.
I’m not talking about the kind of fear that causes us to lock our car doors and bedroom windows, but rather the type that closes our spirit and puts us in self-preservation mode. We fear this isn’t the right career, or we’re nervous it is. In the backs of our minds, we wrestle with the anxiety that we’re not good enough, smart enough, or deserving enough and then we stop short of going after what we really want. Hell, sometimes the fear-based tendencies of the mind can cause even the most talented to give up dreaming all together.
Of course, sadness is what I feel when I think about the people who have taken dreaming off the table. If I give myself license to connect with this sadness in this very moment—I am easily transported to the 75th floor of the prestigious Columbia Tower Club. It was an evening meant for celebration. I’d extracted myself from the masses of high heels and clinking glasses to make my way to the floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking Seattle so I could discretely check my phone. My intuition told me a quick look would explain the disappointing no-show.
Like the other ten women gathered together in the room that night, the Columbia grad on the other end of the text had made a year-long commitment to find work that feeds her soul. And yet, the first cryptic message on my screen solidifies it is not always enough to intimately understand our strengths, passions, purpose…when our mental and emotional barriers won’t allow us to get out of our head and listen to the whispers of our soul.
I am dressed, lipstick on, but can’t make myself walk out the front door.
This evening had been meant to culminate the work we’d all done together in the past year, as well as imaginatively dream out loud about the possibilities of the future by pretending we were at our 5-year reunion. But, this invitation had proven too much for this amazing woman whose companionship with fear promises to keep her safe…if she will only keep herself small.
I don’t have any dreams.
I take a deep breath, send a supportive text, and turn myself around with a smile. I need to be strong for those who are attending this evening. Our celebration has already shown itself to be a success if I measure the energy level in the room. I reenter the swirl of events by taking a hors d’oeuvre from the server, wiping my tears and following the laughter in hopes of saving my professional make-up job done especially for this evening.
But when the lashes came off later that evening, I knew the absence of this woman was the final call I needed to evolve my coaching practice. Though incredibly important work, it is not always enough to identify the strengths, passions and priorities that promise to create more meaning and engagement at work. This knowledge, however important, has the potential to offer only limited success when there are old beliefs, strategies and programs that keep even the most well-intentioned individual swirling in her head, captive to her fears, and away from her dreams.
As the years have passed since the time of that event, I’ve become more convinced that our biggest business epidemic is really a societal pandemic. It’s not that we don’t love work. We don’t love life. This tragedy can’t be fixed with another newfangled career engagement theory or strategy from me, or anyone else. Instead, this is our time to understand we are wired early in life from a place of primal fear; yet, when we remove these mental obstacles meant to protect us, we can connect directly to our hearts. And, from this place of truth is where we will find work – and a life – that feeds the soul.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Making Change Easier
Who hasn’t set a New Year’s resolution or declared a commitment to change some small aspect of who they are—only to disappoint themselves a few days later? We promise ourselves we will be more patient, positive, or forgiving. We vow to work out or show up on time, but still find ourselves with a stockpile of experiences that fuel the myth that change is hard. Let me tell you why this saga feels true, and how to make change easier.
First, it’s important to understand that we’re wired to preserve energy. Our unconscious inclination to avoid anything that depletes our energy reserve harks back to the time of primal survival when protecting ourselves was synonymous with continued existence. Though our external reality has changed, our mind and body continue to function in this primal way. On the most basic level, this programming is why change can feel so difficult to navigate.
But the biggest obstacle to change is just that—a feeling tethered to old programming. Change doesn’t have to be so challenging. That is, if we understand the unconscious mind operates from a place of emotion. The conscious mind is rational. Our goal is to get them working together, not opposing each other.
Here are the five most common mistakes I’ve witnessed that keep us from integrating the combined power of the unconscious and conscious mind, and thus, making change easier in our lives.
Goals Without Buy-In
Declarations are made, goals are set, and results are measured in our conscious mind. Yet, the conscious mind contributes little to implementing the changes we desire. In reality, the unconscious mind is in charge. It wants to be emotionally wooed and understand the reasons why change is important. Therefore, any announcement related to doing something new needs to speak to the heart, not just the mind. If not, our motivation will wane very quickly.
Ignoring Our Language
The unconscious mind is literal and always lives in the present. So, when individuals tell themselves they will start working out tomorrow – that day never arrives for the unconscious mind. Or, when someone declares, “I will try” or “I should” – they are actually telling their unconscious mind that failure is an option. Therefore, the language necessary to induce real change needs to be very specific to gain the internal cooperation from the real change agent.
Not Understanding How We Learn
I’ve come to understand that all learning happens on the unconscious level. Think about the first time you rode a bike, drove a car, or heard a new telephone number. It wasn’t until you could ride on two wheels effortlessly or recite the telephone number without any mental gymnastics that you had really learned something new. Knowledge alone is not enough, which should explain why just telling someone to do something or attending a one-day training isn’t enough to spark sustainable change. Therefore, repetition is the best way to create new ways of doing or being. In fact, even practicing something in your mind is a great way to create new mental muscle memory.
A Lack of Curiosity About Behaviors
All behavior, programs or strategies are born from the beliefs that send direct neurological commands to the body. Behind every disempowering pattern is a set of protective beliefs. In fact, the only thing our conscious mind does when we engage in behaviors that don’t serve us is to make up stories or reasons for these annoying occurrences. Everything else happens at the unconscious level. Therefore, get curious about why you do the things you do. Look for the beliefs below the behaviors, and question the status quo.
Falsely Relying on Willpower
Willpower or courage is not enough to fuel the change we want in our lives. Sure, sometimes we can push through things by making different choices. Yet studies have proven that our willpower takes us only so far before the mind and body start to slow down and we move into self-preservation mode. What is often viewed as a lack of commitment is actually a depleted energy reservoir. Therefore, unless you are working with someone who specializes in change at the unconscious level – such as an NLP practitioner or hypnotherapist – take change in small steps.
Finally, trust yourself and have faith that you can act in congruence with the person you really are. What you’ll find is that having this empowering mindset has unlimited energy.
First, it’s important to understand that we’re wired to preserve energy. Our unconscious inclination to avoid anything that depletes our energy reserve harks back to the time of primal survival when protecting ourselves was synonymous with continued existence. Though our external reality has changed, our mind and body continue to function in this primal way. On the most basic level, this programming is why change can feel so difficult to navigate.
But the biggest obstacle to change is just that—a feeling tethered to old programming. Change doesn’t have to be so challenging. That is, if we understand the unconscious mind operates from a place of emotion. The conscious mind is rational. Our goal is to get them working together, not opposing each other.
Here are the five most common mistakes I’ve witnessed that keep us from integrating the combined power of the unconscious and conscious mind, and thus, making change easier in our lives.
Goals Without Buy-In
Declarations are made, goals are set, and results are measured in our conscious mind. Yet, the conscious mind contributes little to implementing the changes we desire. In reality, the unconscious mind is in charge. It wants to be emotionally wooed and understand the reasons why change is important. Therefore, any announcement related to doing something new needs to speak to the heart, not just the mind. If not, our motivation will wane very quickly.
Ignoring Our Language
The unconscious mind is literal and always lives in the present. So, when individuals tell themselves they will start working out tomorrow – that day never arrives for the unconscious mind. Or, when someone declares, “I will try” or “I should” – they are actually telling their unconscious mind that failure is an option. Therefore, the language necessary to induce real change needs to be very specific to gain the internal cooperation from the real change agent.
Not Understanding How We Learn
I’ve come to understand that all learning happens on the unconscious level. Think about the first time you rode a bike, drove a car, or heard a new telephone number. It wasn’t until you could ride on two wheels effortlessly or recite the telephone number without any mental gymnastics that you had really learned something new. Knowledge alone is not enough, which should explain why just telling someone to do something or attending a one-day training isn’t enough to spark sustainable change. Therefore, repetition is the best way to create new ways of doing or being. In fact, even practicing something in your mind is a great way to create new mental muscle memory.
A Lack of Curiosity About Behaviors
All behavior, programs or strategies are born from the beliefs that send direct neurological commands to the body. Behind every disempowering pattern is a set of protective beliefs. In fact, the only thing our conscious mind does when we engage in behaviors that don’t serve us is to make up stories or reasons for these annoying occurrences. Everything else happens at the unconscious level. Therefore, get curious about why you do the things you do. Look for the beliefs below the behaviors, and question the status quo.
Falsely Relying on Willpower
Willpower or courage is not enough to fuel the change we want in our lives. Sure, sometimes we can push through things by making different choices. Yet studies have proven that our willpower takes us only so far before the mind and body start to slow down and we move into self-preservation mode. What is often viewed as a lack of commitment is actually a depleted energy reservoir. Therefore, unless you are working with someone who specializes in change at the unconscious level – such as an NLP practitioner or hypnotherapist – take change in small steps.
Finally, trust yourself and have faith that you can act in congruence with the person you really are. What you’ll find is that having this empowering mindset has unlimited energy.
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