When the word intelligence is used, I suspect most of us would immediately think of mental capacity. However, humans actually have four types of intellect: spiritual, mental, emotional and physical. Spiritual intelligence is vast and contains a depth of knowing that runs far beyond IQ comprehension. Then we have mental, emotional and physical intelligence which are an interconnected and symbiotic system that allow us to connect—or not—to the truth held in the spiritual mind.
When we aren’t connected to spiritual truth, which resides in a place of unending peace, creativity and resources, it is often due to the lies that our mind, emotions or body conjure up based on our own past experiences. Though I’ve known this place for some time, it was the bold-face lie my body conjured up a few weeks ago that reminded me of the importance of seeking the real truth.
My body started the lie on an ordinary Thursday morning right after my session with my writing coach, Kimberly. I was heading into the office after confessing a few things to her that I had been unwilling to say out loud—that there are these thoughts, ideas, experiences…that…well…I’ve told myself are just too spiritual for my blog. However, on this particular morning I finally shared a draft of an article I’ve been attempting to write for months now. As I explained to Kimberly, I was finding it incredibly difficult to translate a life-changing meditation experience into words without minimizing how it impacted my own spiritual awakening. And yet, the more we talked about the piece, the more excited I became. I even contemplated clearing my calendar that day and self-indulging in hours of writing. But alas, a full day of client appointments called me to the office, so instead I had to jump in the car just moments after the call ended.
As I pulled into the darkened parking garage, my attention was pulled to the glowing vibration of my phone. I had an email from Kimberly so I read it quickly before exiting my car. Her words of encouragement seemed to carry me to the elevator. However, by the time I reached the elevator call button, I noticed my happy-go-lucky bounce had turned into a little dizziness. Unfortunately, this feeling escalated into a full-blown vertigo episode as I reached for the office doorknob just a few moments later. So much so, that a colleague had to help me to my chair before I could close my eyes in an attempt to stop the carnival ride happening in my head. In that moment, I knew my body’s intelligence was trying to tell me something. So, I just asked, “What do want me to know?”
I want you to be safe. This feels dangerous.
Now, I talk to my spiritual intelligence all the time, mostly in gratitude and when asking for assistance for others. But this time was different. I was asking for the truth. And, I was asking on behalf of myself, something I don’t do very often. So, in my mind I connected to the love and the light that I feel after letting something go, integrating a part or a good meditation…and said, “Tell me that I will be okay.”
I could feel my head nod in agreement that I would be safe. So I said in response, “Tell my body that it’s okay, as well.” And within seconds, the vertigo was gone.
For the last few weeks I’ve let this lie hang around in my body. I didn’t name it or release it. I just said, "Go ahead. Just lie to me." I just allowed the lie to be fully present and paid close attention to the chatter in my mind. Chatter is important because the conscious mind will make up stories or create narrative in support of our unconscious lies, so I wanted to notice what internal noise floated to the surface. As a result of taking notice, I now understand why my body lied to me.
It appears my unconscious mind wasn’t concerned about jeopardizing my work or personal safety, but how my marriage might be impacted by my decision to “come out.” You see, my husband doesn’t believe what I believe. And, my interconnected and symbiotic system of mind and body wasn’t afraid of the unknown, but of repeating past hurts. I’ve got a good man, so my body was just voicing its concerns about putting my marriage at risk. Gotcha.
Once I understood why my body lied to me, it was time to identify the belief behind the vertigo. In other words, what was the mental lie behind the body’s response? As I connected with the emotion of fear behind the notion I might jeopardize my marriage, the belief was clear: you can’t have love and deep spiritual devotion. It was time to let that go. So, using one of the techniques I use with my clients, I released that belief from my mind and body. In return, I connected to the knowing of spiritual mind and prepared to receive the real truth.
Spirit is nothing but love. You’ve spent your whole life looking for love in relationships, while real love is within…and everywhere. Know this…and speak your truth. All will be as it should be.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Beyond the Breakthrough
I’m privileged to work in service to humanity, offering witness and guidance to those who have the courage to come face-to-face with their beliefs, wounds, misconceptions and disappointments in return for the opportunity to create a new way of living. And yet, I am always very clear that there’s still very important work to be accomplished beyond a breakthrough coaching session.
Get a Clear Vision
I always want a client to think about what long-term success looks like. Success starts with a vision, which is very different from setting a goal. Where a goal creates action based on a short-term, time-based focus — a vision creates a picture of the outer horizon that pulls the unconscious mind forward with a compelling and inspiring look into the future. I like to think of a vision as a potential living legacy. Creating a vision is never a pre-session assignment because most clients aren’t capable of creating a vision worthy of their full potential until they are unencumbered from the beliefs and rules that limit their ability to dream from a place of love, not protection.
Align Actions with Vision
Once a client gets clear on what they want, it becomes easy to gauge whether they are being the person and acting in accordance with the legacy they want to create. It couldn’t be simpler; if the vision states, “I am a woman who operates from a place of love, compassion, patience, empathy and grace so that I can nurture healthy and symbiotic relationships” — this person gets to ask herself with every thought, gesture, and behavior if she is honoring her long-term vision of success. When there’s incongruence, it’s an invitation to create short-term goals or examine our behaviors for beliefs in an effort to move closer to the vision.
Continue to Release the Beliefs
In a breakthrough session, I guide clients to clear out old unproductive file cabinets that contain limiting beliefs. Our focus is always in one area of their life — whether career, relationships, spirituality, health and/or fitness, etc. And yet, individuals have a lifetime of experiences. This means that the chance of us releasing all negative emotions and limiting beliefs is unrealistic. Therefore, I encourage clients to continue to release any beliefs that might surface beyond the session. This is probably the most important step, but the most neglected by clients.
The pathway to wholeness and self-acceptance is paved with awareness, accountability and a commitment to continued growth, and this should include a practice of letting go. (In fact, probably one of my most significant beliefs I’ve released was almost two years after my first breakthrough session, but more a
bout that later.) Once a client knows how to release a belief, the only task at-hand is to identify the belief. This should be as easy as following the feelings, which is why I always talk about following the emotion in my post-breakthrough meeting. This process should be a life skill. Just two weeks ago I had a post-meeting that exemplified this lesson.
The client and I had spent the first half of our meeting talking about how different she felt, how her body felt absent of the anxiety that use to reside in her abdomen, and how she was showing up differently in relationships. At some point, however, she mentioned an unproductive conversation she had in her head regarding a long-standing issue between her and her husband. We both decided to explore what belief was behind the judgmental comment, because we both wanted the progress toward growth to continue.
First, I asked her to reconnect to the emotion she was feeling at the time she made the judgmental comment. It was anxiety. Once she connected to the emotion, I asked her what was behind needing to judge her husband. She said, “I want everything to happen quickly. I don’t understand why he was so passive in his action.” I asked her how long she had this problem of wanting things instantly. Not surprising, she said all her life. I then jokingly said, “Did you walk behind your children saying…hurry up, hurry up!”
I could tell from the look on her face that we hit upon something significant; something that didn’t surface in our breakthrough session. I inquired about what I was sensing from her physiology and body language. She responded, “I could feel emotions of anxiety in every part of my body when you said that statement!?”
This example is a great reminder that beliefs can sometimes sound benign, but the emotion will tell us if we’ve hit the jackpot. She believes she has to hurry up. This belief creates impatience, directing behavior, rules for productivity, a sharp bluntness in communication…all in the name of expediency.
As we prepared to release the belief that she needed to hurry up through life, I asked her when this belief was created — before, during or after birth. She knew intuitively and instantly it was created during pregnancy. This was a good sign; the immediacy of her response tells me she is getting to the earliest experience that created this early belief. This information also tells me she is preparing to free herself from one of the oldest concepts that created the relationship problems she’s been experiencing. And, that is exactly what happened — she released…because there is always work beyond a breakthrough.
Get a Clear Vision
I always want a client to think about what long-term success looks like. Success starts with a vision, which is very different from setting a goal. Where a goal creates action based on a short-term, time-based focus — a vision creates a picture of the outer horizon that pulls the unconscious mind forward with a compelling and inspiring look into the future. I like to think of a vision as a potential living legacy. Creating a vision is never a pre-session assignment because most clients aren’t capable of creating a vision worthy of their full potential until they are unencumbered from the beliefs and rules that limit their ability to dream from a place of love, not protection.
Align Actions with Vision
Once a client gets clear on what they want, it becomes easy to gauge whether they are being the person and acting in accordance with the legacy they want to create. It couldn’t be simpler; if the vision states, “I am a woman who operates from a place of love, compassion, patience, empathy and grace so that I can nurture healthy and symbiotic relationships” — this person gets to ask herself with every thought, gesture, and behavior if she is honoring her long-term vision of success. When there’s incongruence, it’s an invitation to create short-term goals or examine our behaviors for beliefs in an effort to move closer to the vision.
Continue to Release the Beliefs
In a breakthrough session, I guide clients to clear out old unproductive file cabinets that contain limiting beliefs. Our focus is always in one area of their life — whether career, relationships, spirituality, health and/or fitness, etc. And yet, individuals have a lifetime of experiences. This means that the chance of us releasing all negative emotions and limiting beliefs is unrealistic. Therefore, I encourage clients to continue to release any beliefs that might surface beyond the session. This is probably the most important step, but the most neglected by clients.
The pathway to wholeness and self-acceptance is paved with awareness, accountability and a commitment to continued growth, and this should include a practice of letting go. (In fact, probably one of my most significant beliefs I’ve released was almost two years after my first breakthrough session, but more a
bout that later.) Once a client knows how to release a belief, the only task at-hand is to identify the belief. This should be as easy as following the feelings, which is why I always talk about following the emotion in my post-breakthrough meeting. This process should be a life skill. Just two weeks ago I had a post-meeting that exemplified this lesson.
The client and I had spent the first half of our meeting talking about how different she felt, how her body felt absent of the anxiety that use to reside in her abdomen, and how she was showing up differently in relationships. At some point, however, she mentioned an unproductive conversation she had in her head regarding a long-standing issue between her and her husband. We both decided to explore what belief was behind the judgmental comment, because we both wanted the progress toward growth to continue.
First, I asked her to reconnect to the emotion she was feeling at the time she made the judgmental comment. It was anxiety. Once she connected to the emotion, I asked her what was behind needing to judge her husband. She said, “I want everything to happen quickly. I don’t understand why he was so passive in his action.” I asked her how long she had this problem of wanting things instantly. Not surprising, she said all her life. I then jokingly said, “Did you walk behind your children saying…hurry up, hurry up!”
I could tell from the look on her face that we hit upon something significant; something that didn’t surface in our breakthrough session. I inquired about what I was sensing from her physiology and body language. She responded, “I could feel emotions of anxiety in every part of my body when you said that statement!?”
This example is a great reminder that beliefs can sometimes sound benign, but the emotion will tell us if we’ve hit the jackpot. She believes she has to hurry up. This belief creates impatience, directing behavior, rules for productivity, a sharp bluntness in communication…all in the name of expediency.
As we prepared to release the belief that she needed to hurry up through life, I asked her when this belief was created — before, during or after birth. She knew intuitively and instantly it was created during pregnancy. This was a good sign; the immediacy of her response tells me she is getting to the earliest experience that created this early belief. This information also tells me she is preparing to free herself from one of the oldest concepts that created the relationship problems she’s been experiencing. And, that is exactly what happened — she released…because there is always work beyond a breakthrough.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Letting Go to Let Go
There are people who question whether alternative therapies work. What I’m finding is that once an individual experiences the process of releasing something — whether it’s a negative emotion, a limiting belief, trauma or phobia — it’s hard to argue with the results. Believe me; I learned this lesson the hard way.
My introduction to alternative therapies all started with the book NLP and the New Achievement of Excellence by Steve Andreas. I still don’t know exactly how I stumbled upon the book, but the opening pages promised that Neuro Linguistic Programming would take the difficulty out of behavioral change. After twenty-five years working in human resources and implementing various training programs that didn’t stick beyond the classroom, I was intrigued by the notion that there was knowledge out there, a philosophy and techniques that promised to help people to show up differently in a sustainable way.
The rational and intellectual part of me loved the philosophy behind NLP, so I embraced the self-discovery exercises to get clear about what I wanted out of life. However, I scoffed at the “techniques” which promised to release lingering unproductive emotions, old beliefs, traumatic experiences…even though the book explained that this process was key to removing old unproductive behavioral patterns. Because humans are creatures of unconscious habit and want to avoid pains from the past, Andreas was clear that becoming more adaptable and flexible would be difficult in the absence of letting old stuff go.
I was steadfast that the techniques Andreas described seemed too far-fetched, so I resisted. That is, until a professor challenged me to stop my nay-saying until I could speak from my own experiences. Ouch! I scheduled an appointment with a NLP practitioner and prepared to prove that instant change didn’t work.
The little basement office in Fremont seemed perfect for the clandestine hour-long appointment. The practitioner was an attractive young man in his mid-thirties who could have easily blended into the pages of a Nordstrom advertisement. Honestly, I had expected someone just a bit more woo-woo. We’d already talked on the phone so he was aware of my interest in trying out a specific technique, so he quickly got to work, “Do you have anything you are really upset about and would like to release? You know, maybe you are really sad or pissed off about something?”
That was easy. Months before, a situation at work had transpired that was fraught with injustice in my opinion. As a result, I was still harboring ill-feelings toward my manager. I could feel the emotions start to boil even as I explained the scenario. The practitioner seemed uninterested in the details and said, “Great. Let’s work with that situation.”
I wanted to specifically experience something called Time Line Therapy™, which is a releasing technique based on the premise that individuals store their unconscious memories spatially on a metaphorical track or time line that holds our entire lifetime sequentially. In this technique, you are guided by the practitioner to use visualization techniques to enter a past memory on your time line as a way to relive the full subjective experience. I was able to plug right into the scenario with all its judgments, beliefs and attachments, which were all bound together by my negative emotions.
Once you connect to the subjective experience, the practitioner guides you to use a series of visualization and somatic techniques that allow you to envision floating higher and further away from the event. As I moved further away in my mind, the practitioner would check on my emotional state. Nothing had changed. I was still angry. So, the practitioner used some methods to get me out of my head and surrender to the process. It seems I needed to let go of the need to rationally understand the process…before I could actually let go or release the emotion. Finally, I was guided by his words…until the emotion just disappeared.
The practitioner instructed me to enter the experience again on my time line and verify the emotion was released. Yup, the experience was starkly objective – what remained where only the facts and a sense of non-attachment. I felt no need to react or do anything further. There was no emotion present. In its place was a new sense of understanding, acceptance, and best yet, the process of letting go left me with a lesson. Not including the preparation and discussion before the process itself, this non-attachment transpired in less than 15 minutes. I didn’t have to visit an ashram or meditate for weeks on end. I just let it go.
It would take me another four years to get out of my head long enough to allow myself to experience letting go in more significant and profound ways. That’s right, you have to be prepared to let go of your love affair with cognition and old ways before you are prepared to surrender to the beauty of letting go. What I know for sure is that with every negative emotion, limiting belief, disempowering decision or significant experience I have released, I have been invited to show up differently in life. And, Andreas should be happy to know that personal change has never felt so easy.
My introduction to alternative therapies all started with the book NLP and the New Achievement of Excellence by Steve Andreas. I still don’t know exactly how I stumbled upon the book, but the opening pages promised that Neuro Linguistic Programming would take the difficulty out of behavioral change. After twenty-five years working in human resources and implementing various training programs that didn’t stick beyond the classroom, I was intrigued by the notion that there was knowledge out there, a philosophy and techniques that promised to help people to show up differently in a sustainable way.
The rational and intellectual part of me loved the philosophy behind NLP, so I embraced the self-discovery exercises to get clear about what I wanted out of life. However, I scoffed at the “techniques” which promised to release lingering unproductive emotions, old beliefs, traumatic experiences…even though the book explained that this process was key to removing old unproductive behavioral patterns. Because humans are creatures of unconscious habit and want to avoid pains from the past, Andreas was clear that becoming more adaptable and flexible would be difficult in the absence of letting old stuff go.
I was steadfast that the techniques Andreas described seemed too far-fetched, so I resisted. That is, until a professor challenged me to stop my nay-saying until I could speak from my own experiences. Ouch! I scheduled an appointment with a NLP practitioner and prepared to prove that instant change didn’t work.
The little basement office in Fremont seemed perfect for the clandestine hour-long appointment. The practitioner was an attractive young man in his mid-thirties who could have easily blended into the pages of a Nordstrom advertisement. Honestly, I had expected someone just a bit more woo-woo. We’d already talked on the phone so he was aware of my interest in trying out a specific technique, so he quickly got to work, “Do you have anything you are really upset about and would like to release? You know, maybe you are really sad or pissed off about something?”
That was easy. Months before, a situation at work had transpired that was fraught with injustice in my opinion. As a result, I was still harboring ill-feelings toward my manager. I could feel the emotions start to boil even as I explained the scenario. The practitioner seemed uninterested in the details and said, “Great. Let’s work with that situation.”
I wanted to specifically experience something called Time Line Therapy™, which is a releasing technique based on the premise that individuals store their unconscious memories spatially on a metaphorical track or time line that holds our entire lifetime sequentially. In this technique, you are guided by the practitioner to use visualization techniques to enter a past memory on your time line as a way to relive the full subjective experience. I was able to plug right into the scenario with all its judgments, beliefs and attachments, which were all bound together by my negative emotions.
Once you connect to the subjective experience, the practitioner guides you to use a series of visualization and somatic techniques that allow you to envision floating higher and further away from the event. As I moved further away in my mind, the practitioner would check on my emotional state. Nothing had changed. I was still angry. So, the practitioner used some methods to get me out of my head and surrender to the process. It seems I needed to let go of the need to rationally understand the process…before I could actually let go or release the emotion. Finally, I was guided by his words…until the emotion just disappeared.
The practitioner instructed me to enter the experience again on my time line and verify the emotion was released. Yup, the experience was starkly objective – what remained where only the facts and a sense of non-attachment. I felt no need to react or do anything further. There was no emotion present. In its place was a new sense of understanding, acceptance, and best yet, the process of letting go left me with a lesson. Not including the preparation and discussion before the process itself, this non-attachment transpired in less than 15 minutes. I didn’t have to visit an ashram or meditate for weeks on end. I just let it go.
It would take me another four years to get out of my head long enough to allow myself to experience letting go in more significant and profound ways. That’s right, you have to be prepared to let go of your love affair with cognition and old ways before you are prepared to surrender to the beauty of letting go. What I know for sure is that with every negative emotion, limiting belief, disempowering decision or significant experience I have released, I have been invited to show up differently in life. And, Andreas should be happy to know that personal change has never felt so easy.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Solving Problems at the Root Cause
People have problems; they’re a reality of living life. However, most people are trying to solve problems at the level of the symptom, while the disease goes untreated. I’m going to tell you how to determine if the action you take is only solving the symptom while the root-cause is left untreated and left to manifest more problems again in the future.
Let’s explore how to identify the root cause by diving into a very common dilemma that surfaced this week for a client. With her permission, I am going to share how we got to the bottom of her problem - the inability to create work-life balance. I want to be clear that it would have been easy to jump right into setting priorities or boundaries, but just taking any action is not the answer to all ailments. No, what we want is to solve the real problem with right action, which means we want to know why this woman created the situation in the first place. So, we start there:
Step One: Do you own the problem?
Yes, owning the problem has to be the starting point. Most, if not all, of our problems are self-created by our beliefs. This woman could have easily blamed the culture, her manager, or the heavy workload. Instead, she said she wanted to figure out how she was creating this situation. This was a perfect starting point.
Step Two: Are you specific enough about the problem?
Once there’s ownership, you want to determine how this situation is a problem. Though a lack of work-life balance is commonplace in our society, the way it impacts this woman’s life will be specific to her. She shares that she isn’t able to leave the office until everything is done. As you can see, this is still too broad - so we explore how she continues to do this problem almost every day of the week. This is called a strategy.
Step Three: How do you do the problem?
In this step we are exploring, in detail, how someone runs a strategy that creates a specific problem time and time again. You want them to relive the experience as if they are looking through their own eyes. Using the same level of intricacy she would use to describe tying her shoes or making the bed, the client provided step-by-step details of what happens when the clock says it is time to leave but her head says stay a little longer. As if we were watching a movie together…frame-by-frame…in slow motion…she walks me through how she does this problem. Early in the process, she explains she feels guilty…bingo!
Step Four: Can you connect to the emotion of the problem?
At some point, an emotion will be part of the strategy. It could be anger, sadness, guilt, anxiety, or fear. In fact, often the problem itself is an attempt to avoid a more exaggerated emotion. For our purposes, the emotion tells us we are getting closer to the root cause by tapping the beliefs held at the unconscious level. If emotions aren’t surfacing, it means the person is trying to rationalize their behavior instead of exploring it fully.
Step Five: What does the emotion tell you or what comes after the emotion?
Once you connect to the emotion, this is the time to pay close attention. Language always holds important clues to what’s really going on. For this client, there was an internal conversation that said, “If I don’t get everything done or say no, it would mean people might not want me. They might go to someone else in the future.” As we explore this statement together, the client discloses it is almost impossible for her to say “no.” The problem is getting even more specific — her inability to say no — and we’re on the threshold of uncovering the beliefs behind the behavior.
Step Six: What would it say about you as a person if you abandoned this problem?
This step will uncover the beliefs behind the behavior. In her case, by saying “yes” all the time, she has been attempting to avoid disappointing people and being viewed as selfish or unproductive. Here are the beliefs she uncovered: it’s not okay to disappoint people, to be selfish, lazy. And not being nice is absolutely out of the question…even if it generates self-sacrifice and resentment in the process.
Step Seven: What is the earliest experience that comes to mind as you talk about these beliefs?
Our job now is to connect to the experiences that created these beliefs. The easiest way to do this is by asking the unconscious mind to give you the first or earliest experience that comes up after talking about your beliefs. And like magic, the unconscious mind will serve up some important insight.
What came up right away for my client is a memory of getting that look from her father if she ever disappointed him; no words were necessary. So, this woman learned early in life that being nice, obliging and productive was the perfect way to be loved and, more important — to stay out of trouble. As you can see there was no malicious intent or childhood trauma involved; just the work of the little brain creating a well-intentioned strategy to make her feel loved. In fact, this is the root cause of the problem — an overriding need to be loved and wanted.
Can you see that putting first things first, making schedule changes or delegating wouldn’t have solved the problem at the level of the root cause? Once she feels she is truly wanted, needed and loved as a result of who she is—not by what she does— she can show up fully unencumbered by old strategies. Until then, she has the invaluable opportunity to negotiate, reframe or let those old beliefs go, allowing her to determine what new strategies she’d like to employ in order to have more balance in her life.
Let’s explore how to identify the root cause by diving into a very common dilemma that surfaced this week for a client. With her permission, I am going to share how we got to the bottom of her problem - the inability to create work-life balance. I want to be clear that it would have been easy to jump right into setting priorities or boundaries, but just taking any action is not the answer to all ailments. No, what we want is to solve the real problem with right action, which means we want to know why this woman created the situation in the first place. So, we start there:
Step One: Do you own the problem?
Yes, owning the problem has to be the starting point. Most, if not all, of our problems are self-created by our beliefs. This woman could have easily blamed the culture, her manager, or the heavy workload. Instead, she said she wanted to figure out how she was creating this situation. This was a perfect starting point.
Step Two: Are you specific enough about the problem?
Once there’s ownership, you want to determine how this situation is a problem. Though a lack of work-life balance is commonplace in our society, the way it impacts this woman’s life will be specific to her. She shares that she isn’t able to leave the office until everything is done. As you can see, this is still too broad - so we explore how she continues to do this problem almost every day of the week. This is called a strategy.
Step Three: How do you do the problem?
In this step we are exploring, in detail, how someone runs a strategy that creates a specific problem time and time again. You want them to relive the experience as if they are looking through their own eyes. Using the same level of intricacy she would use to describe tying her shoes or making the bed, the client provided step-by-step details of what happens when the clock says it is time to leave but her head says stay a little longer. As if we were watching a movie together…frame-by-frame…in slow motion…she walks me through how she does this problem. Early in the process, she explains she feels guilty…bingo!
Step Four: Can you connect to the emotion of the problem?
At some point, an emotion will be part of the strategy. It could be anger, sadness, guilt, anxiety, or fear. In fact, often the problem itself is an attempt to avoid a more exaggerated emotion. For our purposes, the emotion tells us we are getting closer to the root cause by tapping the beliefs held at the unconscious level. If emotions aren’t surfacing, it means the person is trying to rationalize their behavior instead of exploring it fully.
Step Five: What does the emotion tell you or what comes after the emotion?
Once you connect to the emotion, this is the time to pay close attention. Language always holds important clues to what’s really going on. For this client, there was an internal conversation that said, “If I don’t get everything done or say no, it would mean people might not want me. They might go to someone else in the future.” As we explore this statement together, the client discloses it is almost impossible for her to say “no.” The problem is getting even more specific — her inability to say no — and we’re on the threshold of uncovering the beliefs behind the behavior.
Step Six: What would it say about you as a person if you abandoned this problem?
This step will uncover the beliefs behind the behavior. In her case, by saying “yes” all the time, she has been attempting to avoid disappointing people and being viewed as selfish or unproductive. Here are the beliefs she uncovered: it’s not okay to disappoint people, to be selfish, lazy. And not being nice is absolutely out of the question…even if it generates self-sacrifice and resentment in the process.
Step Seven: What is the earliest experience that comes to mind as you talk about these beliefs?
Our job now is to connect to the experiences that created these beliefs. The easiest way to do this is by asking the unconscious mind to give you the first or earliest experience that comes up after talking about your beliefs. And like magic, the unconscious mind will serve up some important insight.
What came up right away for my client is a memory of getting that look from her father if she ever disappointed him; no words were necessary. So, this woman learned early in life that being nice, obliging and productive was the perfect way to be loved and, more important — to stay out of trouble. As you can see there was no malicious intent or childhood trauma involved; just the work of the little brain creating a well-intentioned strategy to make her feel loved. In fact, this is the root cause of the problem — an overriding need to be loved and wanted.
Can you see that putting first things first, making schedule changes or delegating wouldn’t have solved the problem at the level of the root cause? Once she feels she is truly wanted, needed and loved as a result of who she is—not by what she does— she can show up fully unencumbered by old strategies. Until then, she has the invaluable opportunity to negotiate, reframe or let those old beliefs go, allowing her to determine what new strategies she’d like to employ in order to have more balance in her life.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Becoming Enough
How often do you feel enough? Slim enough, successful enough, loved enough, smart enough, worthy enough, accepted enough…just enough. I’m not talking about intellectually embracing the value of loving yourself unconditionally, but feeling I AM ENOUGH in every cell of your body? That’s right — if you are like many people, the notion that you are good enough is a platitude never to be reached. In fact, it’s the biggest complaint from my clients. I’d like to tell you why this untruth can feel true and what you can do to change your reality.
First, it is important to understand that though the feelings of insecurity might be commonplace, the reasons individuals hold this belief — I am not good enough — are as unique and different as your DNA because it is your individual experiences that tell you it is true. It’s like you’ve been unconsciously accumulating evidence to prove this mind-body fallacy all your life: dad criticized the way I painted the house, my parents divorced because of me, I didn’t get 100% on the math test, I was told my body wasn’t good enough — either through words or deed, I never won a spelling bee, or most unfortunate, someone told me so without any mincing of words.
The accumulation of evidence starts early in life — sometimes without the validity of testing the evidence with the rational mind — and by adulthood, the file cabinet entitled not enough is bulging at the seams.
In the same way we have a file cabinet, we also have a file clerk. The personal file clerk is charged with automatically going to the archives of past experiences in an effort to gain insight into what’s really transpiring in the present moment. When the boss at work declares, “I am disappointed with the outcome of the project”, the file clerk looks for a similar situation which transpired in the past. And, there...in the not good enough cabinet, the file clerk finds a file folder entitled not competent…and immediately informs you how to interpret and feel about today’s experience based on the content in that folder. Of course, the file clerk is also placing this new piece of evidence away for safe keeping.
This reality — that our experiences of today are processed by our internal file clerk — tells us why many well-intentioned and productive strategies don’t solve today’s experience of your not feeling good enough. Things like gratitude, positive affirmations, prayer, or even therapy are effective strategies if they allow you to make more empowering decisions. However, because you haven’t cleaned out the old file cabinets which hold the misguided evidence of your accumulated unworthiness or lack of perfection, the file clerk still has easy admittance to the files you no longer want to access.
Because these files are still available, one day you might make a conscious empowering decision, but the next day still find yourself reverting back to old unconscious behaviors or decisions that don't serve you. This pattern will continue to be your reality until a decision is made to spring clean the disempowering stuff accumulated in your old file cabinets.
Depending on one’s life experiences, the nature and depth of the file archives will obviously differ. But regardless, the process of clearing out old file cabinets is swift and easy compared to standard therapy timeframes. Even for a client who experienced trauma early in her life, the feeling that I AM ENOUGH and THERE IS ENOUGH returned after just two full-day sessions using my favorite healing modalities.
And yet, there are many paths to healing. So if you want to feel the sense of I AM ENOUGH at the cellular level, start the process of clearing old debris. There are all kinds of productive and instant healing strategies to expedite the process, all of which I’ve experienced: energy work, exploring past lives, emotional freedom technique, breath therapy, and of course, my personal favorites — the various awakening therapies I use in my practice. I promise you, living in a world of enough is worth the exploration.
First, it is important to understand that though the feelings of insecurity might be commonplace, the reasons individuals hold this belief — I am not good enough — are as unique and different as your DNA because it is your individual experiences that tell you it is true. It’s like you’ve been unconsciously accumulating evidence to prove this mind-body fallacy all your life: dad criticized the way I painted the house, my parents divorced because of me, I didn’t get 100% on the math test, I was told my body wasn’t good enough — either through words or deed, I never won a spelling bee, or most unfortunate, someone told me so without any mincing of words.
The accumulation of evidence starts early in life — sometimes without the validity of testing the evidence with the rational mind — and by adulthood, the file cabinet entitled not enough is bulging at the seams.
In the same way we have a file cabinet, we also have a file clerk. The personal file clerk is charged with automatically going to the archives of past experiences in an effort to gain insight into what’s really transpiring in the present moment. When the boss at work declares, “I am disappointed with the outcome of the project”, the file clerk looks for a similar situation which transpired in the past. And, there...in the not good enough cabinet, the file clerk finds a file folder entitled not competent…and immediately informs you how to interpret and feel about today’s experience based on the content in that folder. Of course, the file clerk is also placing this new piece of evidence away for safe keeping.
This reality — that our experiences of today are processed by our internal file clerk — tells us why many well-intentioned and productive strategies don’t solve today’s experience of your not feeling good enough. Things like gratitude, positive affirmations, prayer, or even therapy are effective strategies if they allow you to make more empowering decisions. However, because you haven’t cleaned out the old file cabinets which hold the misguided evidence of your accumulated unworthiness or lack of perfection, the file clerk still has easy admittance to the files you no longer want to access.
Because these files are still available, one day you might make a conscious empowering decision, but the next day still find yourself reverting back to old unconscious behaviors or decisions that don't serve you. This pattern will continue to be your reality until a decision is made to spring clean the disempowering stuff accumulated in your old file cabinets.
Depending on one’s life experiences, the nature and depth of the file archives will obviously differ. But regardless, the process of clearing out old file cabinets is swift and easy compared to standard therapy timeframes. Even for a client who experienced trauma early in her life, the feeling that I AM ENOUGH and THERE IS ENOUGH returned after just two full-day sessions using my favorite healing modalities.
And yet, there are many paths to healing. So if you want to feel the sense of I AM ENOUGH at the cellular level, start the process of clearing old debris. There are all kinds of productive and instant healing strategies to expedite the process, all of which I’ve experienced: energy work, exploring past lives, emotional freedom technique, breath therapy, and of course, my personal favorites — the various awakening therapies I use in my practice. I promise you, living in a world of enough is worth the exploration.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
The Little Brain Makes Scary, Scarier
Most people today understand that our childhood shapes how we see, experience and respond to the world around us. So much so, it’s easy to assume someone who’s subjected to a challenging upbringing is at risk for carrying unwanted protective “baggage” into adulthood. And yet, we now know that a design flaw of the brain can easily misinterpret even the most benign of childhood experiences into scary memories that can hold us captive for a lifetime.
In the simplest terms, the design flaw is tied to the fact that humans are born with a fully functional old brain at birth. This part of the brain does many things, but most importantly, it contains the primitive hardwiring for protection and safety. In other words, it is always on high alert for threats. This mechanism is exacerbated in the precious and formative years of a child, when the absence of the yet-developed new brain leaves a child without logic and reason to counterbalance the protective tendencies of the mind. In fact, most people are surprised to learn the cognitive abilities housed in the new brain will not fully mature until the child reaches their early twenties.
This natural wiring causes our little protective mind to translate benign experiences into significant events. For a small child, a stern warning on the dangers of snakes can easily morph into an uncontrollable snake phobia by adulthood — as was the case for one of my clients. And, it makes scary events even scarier. A locked door at naptime in the child’s eye is a devastating sentence of trapped. The moment is seared into the unconscious mind in a collage of pictures, sounds, and feelings that tells the child what to avoid in the future. And as the child moves into adulthood, she is inclined to make a series of decisions meant to keep her safe from ever being trapped again. I know this because my client brought this scenario to my office just this week, which is probably why this morning’s circumstance seemed so poignant.
It was just 6:52 a.m. when the blood curdling screams made their way through my hotel door, “Mommy! I…WANT… MY.. MOMMY!!”
A minute passed with escalating volumes and intensity, and I knew this wasn’t an ordinary tantrum. I entered the hallway and saw a frightened little girl who couldn’t have been more than three. It appeared she had somehow been locked out of her room, which is what I surmised from her huddling body in the doorway. Her face was red with fear as she attempted to catch her breath in-between cries for her mother.
A minute or two later her mother made her way down the hallway. Her approach was nonchalant and her explanation irreverent, "I left her in the hallway to give her a timeout. Sorry if it woke you up."
Though I didn’t ask and she didn’t volunteer, I’m sure she had some rationalization for the decision she made to momentarily leave the child: her sanity, exhaustion, ill-advice given to her. After all, I had a million “excuses” for all the poor choices I’d made, but that didn’t stop me from voicing my opinion. I was mortified, and said just as much.
After all, I was now fully aware of the potential repercussions of how this event could impact her adult life. Just like the woman in my office this week who’d spent half of her life trying to avoid being abandoned or trapped again in incredibly well-intentioned ways, the experience of this little girl has the potential to change the trajectory of her life. The chances she won’t surrender to the protective inclinations seared into her unconscious mind created in that small five-minute window will be dependent on conscious choices that will feel totally foreign and contradictory to her instincts. It could happen, but it is equally probable that she will move through life making limiting decisions meant to keep her safe from similar circumstances.
So, you see anyone who experienced a childhood is at risk for having baggage. If words of caution can grow into a phobia, then making fun of a small child for coloring outside the lines can translate into a lifetime in search of perfection. Being reprimanded for crying on your first day at school becomes an unconscious prompt to avoid any situation that could feel emotional. A brief experience of feeling abandoned or trapped becomes a charter to stay in control at any cost, because the old brain makes the scary…scarier.
In the simplest terms, the design flaw is tied to the fact that humans are born with a fully functional old brain at birth. This part of the brain does many things, but most importantly, it contains the primitive hardwiring for protection and safety. In other words, it is always on high alert for threats. This mechanism is exacerbated in the precious and formative years of a child, when the absence of the yet-developed new brain leaves a child without logic and reason to counterbalance the protective tendencies of the mind. In fact, most people are surprised to learn the cognitive abilities housed in the new brain will not fully mature until the child reaches their early twenties.
This natural wiring causes our little protective mind to translate benign experiences into significant events. For a small child, a stern warning on the dangers of snakes can easily morph into an uncontrollable snake phobia by adulthood — as was the case for one of my clients. And, it makes scary events even scarier. A locked door at naptime in the child’s eye is a devastating sentence of trapped. The moment is seared into the unconscious mind in a collage of pictures, sounds, and feelings that tells the child what to avoid in the future. And as the child moves into adulthood, she is inclined to make a series of decisions meant to keep her safe from ever being trapped again. I know this because my client brought this scenario to my office just this week, which is probably why this morning’s circumstance seemed so poignant.
It was just 6:52 a.m. when the blood curdling screams made their way through my hotel door, “Mommy! I…WANT… MY.. MOMMY!!”
A minute passed with escalating volumes and intensity, and I knew this wasn’t an ordinary tantrum. I entered the hallway and saw a frightened little girl who couldn’t have been more than three. It appeared she had somehow been locked out of her room, which is what I surmised from her huddling body in the doorway. Her face was red with fear as she attempted to catch her breath in-between cries for her mother.
A minute or two later her mother made her way down the hallway. Her approach was nonchalant and her explanation irreverent, "I left her in the hallway to give her a timeout. Sorry if it woke you up."
Though I didn’t ask and she didn’t volunteer, I’m sure she had some rationalization for the decision she made to momentarily leave the child: her sanity, exhaustion, ill-advice given to her. After all, I had a million “excuses” for all the poor choices I’d made, but that didn’t stop me from voicing my opinion. I was mortified, and said just as much.
After all, I was now fully aware of the potential repercussions of how this event could impact her adult life. Just like the woman in my office this week who’d spent half of her life trying to avoid being abandoned or trapped again in incredibly well-intentioned ways, the experience of this little girl has the potential to change the trajectory of her life. The chances she won’t surrender to the protective inclinations seared into her unconscious mind created in that small five-minute window will be dependent on conscious choices that will feel totally foreign and contradictory to her instincts. It could happen, but it is equally probable that she will move through life making limiting decisions meant to keep her safe from similar circumstances.
So, you see anyone who experienced a childhood is at risk for having baggage. If words of caution can grow into a phobia, then making fun of a small child for coloring outside the lines can translate into a lifetime in search of perfection. Being reprimanded for crying on your first day at school becomes an unconscious prompt to avoid any situation that could feel emotional. A brief experience of feeling abandoned or trapped becomes a charter to stay in control at any cost, because the old brain makes the scary…scarier.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Getting Clear and Congruent
Are feelings and thoughts enough to create the things we want in life? In 2006, the bestselling movie and book entitled The Secret gained widespread popularity by telling us just that. If we declare our intentions and step into the emotions of already receiving what we desire, the result will manifest itself. I’m not here to debunk the notion, but to share what they forgot to tell you.
You have to take action. That’s right — you have to be prepared do something.
We shouldn’t ask for the perfect mate and then, hide in our apartment. The first plan of action doesn’t have to be a blind date, but it should mean making eye contact with potential suitors during the morning coffee run. We must be prepared to vote with our feet, especially if our emotions aren’t rallying around our intention.
Today, a lovely young woman told me how she recently stepped into her intention. She’d been looking for a new job, so she could join her fiancé on the other side of the state. Her search was turning up empty handed, and she was on the brink of giving up. Then, she decided she was moving — job or no job — and declared it out loud. A gutsy move in this economy, right? But the next day she had a promising interview, which quickly turned into a job offer. As she said, “Once my intention to move was solid, it all just fell into place.”
You see, once she solidified the decision with action there was an internal sense of congruency. She was reconciling what she wanted and declaring what was possible with her deeds, and her emotions authentically responded in-kind. Once you are clear and congruent, the energy flows very differently and there is an opening created for new possibilities.
The other thing The Secret failed to disclose was the necessity to check the motivation behind the intention. When our desires are generated from a place of protection, fear, or ego, the intention won’t gain any forward movement because playing defense doesn’t provide the emotional traction we need. When we want more clients, for example, from a place of desperation – it will be easy to get more angst instead. You have to sink into the emotions of realizing more clients from a place of love, service, and gratitude if you want to build your business. That’s what changed the face of my practice.
I had my own example recently of bringing this mindset to life. I used to have a dream of being on Oprah. I just envisioned I would write a book, which would make me a natural shoe-in for a guest spot. I know, my dreams were big. Anyway, the Oprah Show was recently running a contest with the prize of tickets to be in the studio audience for one of her last shows. The entry was a short video describing how Oprah had changed or impacted your life.
Now, I normally don’t do contests but there was something that wouldn’t allow me to delete the contest email from my inbox. So, I made a video. And in that moment, I took emotional stock of the fact that I no longer wanted to be on her show from a place of ego. There was nothing to prove, just heartfelt thanks. Also, by making the video — not just thinking about it — I was amplifying the gratitude I felt for Oprah’s wisdom and guidance over the years.
Specifically, I remembered when Oprah's guest Sarah Ban Breathnach, the author of Simple Abundance, transformed me from a viewer of life to a participant of life. The invitation to embrace gratitude as a daily practice moved me into action. Years later, it seems so clear that my own journey of self-discovery and spiritual awakening started in the moment that I bought that book.
And yes, I’m heading to Chicago in May. But here’s the beautiful part — I never submitted the video. My production was too long, which meant I needed to find another window to finish my project. In the interim and unbeknownst to me, an appreciative client and friend took it upon herself to see if she could use a personal contact to get some Oprah tickets. It appears she, too, was feeling deeply grateful for our work together.
So you see, good intentions and positive vibes created the outcomes we both desired. It started with a dream and turned into action, but it wouldn’t have unfolded without the congruency of the emotions born from a place of love, gratitude, and service. And, Chicago here I come!
You have to take action. That’s right — you have to be prepared do something.
We shouldn’t ask for the perfect mate and then, hide in our apartment. The first plan of action doesn’t have to be a blind date, but it should mean making eye contact with potential suitors during the morning coffee run. We must be prepared to vote with our feet, especially if our emotions aren’t rallying around our intention.
Today, a lovely young woman told me how she recently stepped into her intention. She’d been looking for a new job, so she could join her fiancé on the other side of the state. Her search was turning up empty handed, and she was on the brink of giving up. Then, she decided she was moving — job or no job — and declared it out loud. A gutsy move in this economy, right? But the next day she had a promising interview, which quickly turned into a job offer. As she said, “Once my intention to move was solid, it all just fell into place.”
You see, once she solidified the decision with action there was an internal sense of congruency. She was reconciling what she wanted and declaring what was possible with her deeds, and her emotions authentically responded in-kind. Once you are clear and congruent, the energy flows very differently and there is an opening created for new possibilities.
The other thing The Secret failed to disclose was the necessity to check the motivation behind the intention. When our desires are generated from a place of protection, fear, or ego, the intention won’t gain any forward movement because playing defense doesn’t provide the emotional traction we need. When we want more clients, for example, from a place of desperation – it will be easy to get more angst instead. You have to sink into the emotions of realizing more clients from a place of love, service, and gratitude if you want to build your business. That’s what changed the face of my practice.
I had my own example recently of bringing this mindset to life. I used to have a dream of being on Oprah. I just envisioned I would write a book, which would make me a natural shoe-in for a guest spot. I know, my dreams were big. Anyway, the Oprah Show was recently running a contest with the prize of tickets to be in the studio audience for one of her last shows. The entry was a short video describing how Oprah had changed or impacted your life.
Now, I normally don’t do contests but there was something that wouldn’t allow me to delete the contest email from my inbox. So, I made a video. And in that moment, I took emotional stock of the fact that I no longer wanted to be on her show from a place of ego. There was nothing to prove, just heartfelt thanks. Also, by making the video — not just thinking about it — I was amplifying the gratitude I felt for Oprah’s wisdom and guidance over the years.
Specifically, I remembered when Oprah's guest Sarah Ban Breathnach, the author of Simple Abundance, transformed me from a viewer of life to a participant of life. The invitation to embrace gratitude as a daily practice moved me into action. Years later, it seems so clear that my own journey of self-discovery and spiritual awakening started in the moment that I bought that book.
And yes, I’m heading to Chicago in May. But here’s the beautiful part — I never submitted the video. My production was too long, which meant I needed to find another window to finish my project. In the interim and unbeknownst to me, an appreciative client and friend took it upon herself to see if she could use a personal contact to get some Oprah tickets. It appears she, too, was feeling deeply grateful for our work together.
So you see, good intentions and positive vibes created the outcomes we both desired. It started with a dream and turned into action, but it wouldn’t have unfolded without the congruency of the emotions born from a place of love, gratitude, and service. And, Chicago here I come!
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