You Get What You Need

There is this thirst in our society to find the “perfect” something – whether it’s the perfect career, perfect relationship or perfect circumstances.  We want to know what we are supposed to be doing, and are convinced it will bring a lifetime of happiness and success.  And in our incessant search for all the right answers we miss what our life is trying to tell us – right now.  Embarrassingly, I found myself in this very position recently.  And, I thought you might want to know how to avoid similar circumstances. 

It all started a few months ago.  My practice was thriving, but I was asking the old question of, “What’s next?”  Therefore, I did what I tell all my clients to do whenever progress feels stalled: I revisited my long-term vision of success, declared three big goals, and prepared to watch things naturally unfold.

For the first time, I did my visioning work with the help of Patti Dobrowolski.  She specializes in visual mapping, meaning I talked about what I wanted and she gave visual representation to my words, ideas and dreams.  The process was incredibly inspiring.  I reconfirmed my long-term vision to help people to reconnect to their full potential through healing.  (Let’s be honest, we’re getting loud signals that the world needs healing right now.) And to further the mission, I committed three goals to paper – create a healing center, tell my own story of personal transformation, and build a robust on-line community for those interested in learning how to self-heal.

Since that time, I could give you a million little and a few big examples of coincidences that have unfolded effortlessly – like unexpectedly buying land for the healing center, miraculously finding financing in this economy, having a spectacular marketing team assembled on my behalf – but of course, nothing happens by accident. Nothing.  No, we all move closer to what we want when we learn to trust, pay attention and act definitively.  Oh, the decisions don’t always feel logical or rational at the time, but I’ve come to give greater value the unconscious mind and the collective wisdom of something greater than myself.  I just have faith in these pulling forces because they are always a few steps ahead of the limited conscious mind, which is where we tend to conjure up short-term goals anyway.  But when you get them on all the same page – magic happens, and it happens quickly.

That’s right.  When you declare a goal out loud, you have to be prepared as the universe rearranges itself on your behalf.   You might get the right email at the perfect time, read an article that answers an old nagging question or show up at the wrong appointment and meet the right person.  But what people don’t often tell you is that you also have to be prepared to get circumstances that you didn’t want, which is what happened when my writing coach almost fired me a month ago.

Fire me?  I’d just declared my recommitment to writing the book. I thought to myself, “I can’t write a book without my writing coach?!”  But of course, my coaches’ perspective was much more on target:  I can’t write a book if I don’t make time for writing the book.

Like I said, the universe will rearrange itself on your behalf.  And, you may not always get what you want, but you’ll get what you need.  You just have to trust that it’s all happening for the right reasons. Sometimes it’s a lesson cloaked as a diversion.  If you haven’t heeded the lesson in the past, it can easily look like a wake-up call.  My conversation with Kimberly was a wake-up call.  And the only way you’ll know the difference is to ask yourself what your life is telling you – right now.

When I asked myself that question, I noticed a convergence zone of sorts. My coach asking me to declare a specific writing goal, my breakthrough appointments uncharacteristically slowing, the all-star marketing team efforts that started to wane, the computer problems which cut me off from barrages of email, an invitation to writing time in the woods… and as a result, I’ve done lots of writing. Over 5,000 words, thank you very much. It’s not yet a chapter, but it’s a start – and a good start.

So today, I am humbly reminding you to stop, look and listen to what your life is telling you – right now.  Having a long-term vision and declaring goals tells the universe what you want, but you have to be prepared to listen even when you don’t like the answer.  Don’t take for granted the hidden meaning that arises from the circumstances of your everyday life.  If you’re not getting the perfection of what you want, it probably means you’re getting the perfection of what you need.  

Demystifying Emotional Triggers

Have you ever felt emotionally hijacked – held captive by some mysterious emotional trigger that you didn’t quite understand?  Who hasn’t, right?  You know the drill: a flood of unexplained and seemingly uncontrollable emotion races through your body and seizes your ability to behaving rationally.  An emotional trigger can be spurred on by something as simple as a distressing email or a customer service conversation gone wrong, but let’s not forget about the perky neighbor or co-worker that everyone seems to adore…everyone, but you.

When these reactions happen, it’s so easy to look outside of ourselves and blame the situation or person pushing our buttons.  But, what if I told you that every emotional hijack is actually a ransom note telling you there is something to heal?  I was abruptly reminded of this fact last week when I found myself in the midst of an unexpected emotional tailspin.

At the time, my husband and I were discussing our long-term financial plans.  The conversation included sobering topics like wills, life insurance, and retirement income; important issues, but not fun, right?  Well, in the middle of the conversation I found myself officially hijacked.  Hell, between us – it was like I had a case of undiagnosed Tourette’s syndrome.  On some level, I was aware that my response was totally out of proportion, but I just couldn’t stop myself.  My emotions were over-the-top, out-of-control and my body’s physiology kicked into high gear, which left nothing to bubble up to the rational brain but waves of desperation.  That’s how a hijack works, unfortunately.

And yet, we both know that these natural and automatic fight or flight responses are supposed to be reserved for the real thing – like an intruder in your home or ten foot waves at the bow of your boat.  Both, by the way, I’ve experienced. So, a few hours later I embarrassingly asked myself – “What was I thinking?” – knowing I wasn’t thinking at all.  So, I wondered, "What unconscious belief caused this response?"
     
As I’ve said before, the unconscious mind works on the premise of least effort.  It’s always on the lookout for seemingly similar circumstances and responses from the past in hopes of applying those old responses to present day situations.  It was clear I had a belief that had been running amuck for some time.  So, I went looking for the root cause.

Here is what I found:  “You are not capable of supporting yourself!”

This, of course, is a disempowering belief that is not true, so I let it go. In a matter of minutes, I could feel a sense of self-reliance, capability and focus being unleashed in my body.  These internal resources didn’t come from a protective “I’ll show you” mindset, but from a place of internal expansion.  In that moment, I knew the resources had already been there but it’s as if they were being held captive by a very old wound. 

In the days that passed, I reflected on how this belief has shaped my life.  If I’m honest, I’ve been waiting for someone to take care of me for most of my life.  Don’t get me wrong – I’ve worked hard and successfully over the years – but deep down at a unconscious level it appears I never believed it would be my financial success that would fuel my ability to be in service to more people.  Again, not flattering to say out loud, but I can see many decisions tied to this belief.  And, it explains a lot about my writing, as well.

As you know, I’ve been writing a book for the last couple of years.  It’s probably more accurate to say I’ve been thinking about writing a book more than writing a book.  In other words, my mental intentions haven’t been matched by the action of written word on the page.  I can see how this belief impacted this endeavor.  Consciously, I would say, “I am going to write a book and create a huge platform to help others to heal more quickly.”  And my unconscious mind whisper, “Oh, why bother?  You’re not capable of supporting the outcomes you want in life.”  I only know this because I have been supercharged for the last week, and not only in my writing.
 
I would have never recaptured these internal resources if I hadn’t followed the ransom note delivered by my emotions.  Every hijack – big or small – tells me there’s something to heal. And when I address the ransom, I reconnect to more of my potential and the resources that come along with greater wholeness.  And, the same is also true for you.  

I Don’t Like Spiders and Snakes

If you’ve had a critical conversation, first date, job interview or have ever spoken in front of a large group — you already know the connection between the mind and body.  Who hasn’t experienced these tell-tale  physiological symptoms in times of stress:  stomach butterflies, an embarrassing color shift or perspiration that appears at the most inopportune time?  But, what happens when these natural physiological responses are so exaggerated that they immobilize someone at the mere thought of something…whether it’s a small eight-legged critter, slimy reptile or confined space.  Most people know we call this phenomenon a phobia, but maybe you didn't know how easy it is to release these irrational fears.

The term irrational feels a little harsh, huh?  But, in this situation the term used by the field of psychology actually makes a lot sense, because the vast majority of phobias are created before our capacity for rational thought is fully developed.  In the absence of a logical counterbalance in someone’s youngest years, the seeds of phobias are planted through misconstrued experiences exaggerated by fear.
  
These misinterpretations are stored as unconscious memories.  And, all of our memories are stored as internal representations — collages of pictures, sounds, and feelings — which tell us how to respond to something in the future based on an experience in the past.  So, someone with arachnophobia can see a small spider and lose himself in a sea of anxiety. And yet, it's not the spider that scares the person, but the internal picture of how his unconscious thinks he's supposed to respond to spiders.  And, when you change that picture — you remove the phobia.  It's that simple.

Regardless of the ease, it’s always humbling to witness someone release a debilitating fear so quickly.  One time in particular stands out in my mind. I had just finished delivering a half-day workshop to a large group of Vistage CEOs.  We’d spent our time together discussing the topic of beliefs, performance and instant change.  At the end of the workshop, I quipped I could easily release a phobia for anyone who had an extra fifteen minutes to spare.  Because the group already had a deep understanding of how change happens instantly, I jokingly made the offer. And if I’m honest, I was surprised when someone took me up on it.
 
This person had a snake phobia.  At just the mere suggestion of having a slimy reptile caged in the front of the room, his physiology jumped into high alert: flushed face, heart racing, beads of sweat.  I quickly changed the subject to keep him in the room, until he was calm enough to discuss how old he might have been when he decided snakes were scary.  He remembered lots of memories from later in his life, but like most clients, he couldn’t consciously remember the first event.  Therefore, I guided him to identify the first seed that formed this irrational fear.

Within seconds, he entered the memory a very early childhood experience.  This recollection, in itself, will not undue a phobia but it offered a starting point for our work.  Instead, our job together was to change the earliest internal representation.  So for the next ten minutes, I lead him to replay and disconnect the fear from that memory using the NLP phobia model.  In the end, he realized the first memory never even included a real snake - but instead, was a stern warning from his mother about playing around snake holes.  Once he had this rational perspective, I asked him one final time how he’d respond to a caged snake in the front of the room.  When he ambivalently shrugged his shoulders, I knew our work was done.

Of course, not everyone has a full-blown phobia.  And yet, the same model that creates a phobia also creates the stress and anxiety we experience in every day situations — during a critical conversation, first date, job interview or speech before a large group.  Were my client had a belief that snakes are dangerous, many of us hold a set of limiting beliefs that send direct neurological commands to the body when our unconscious mind believes we are in danger.  They, too, are often created by misconstrued experiences. Though the physiological response from these beliefs may not be as overt, the unconscious signals are disempowering none-the-less.  And also like a phobia, these beliefs don't go away through awareness, but they can be released easily.  In fact, it's even quicker than letting go of a life-long phobia.