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Why Meaning Matters

Meaning is what fuels success in good times and bad, but that doesn’t surprise you, right? If you were to pick up any article or listen to any expert on the topic of employee engagement, happiness or sustainable success, they would undoubtedly throw around the terms “purpose” and “meaning.” And yet, what’s difficult is where to find this elusive concept and how to incorporate it into one’s work day-in, day-out.

But first, let’s remind ourselves why “meaning” plays such a vital role in long-term success.  Success typically starts with a vision: I want to be this, do that, and have these things - hopefully, in that order.  As I’ve said before, these declarations are defined in the conscious mind.  And yet, we know that achieving goals is predicated on getting the desires of the rational, conscious mind aligned with the actions and behaviors of the unconscious mind because the latter aspect of mind is really in charge. So in short, the successful have learned to bring the unconscious mind along by speaking its language: emotions.

I’m not talking about fear, revenge or even pride.  Research has proven that these types of motivations are short-lived because they invite old behaviors to return once the risk is out of sight.  However, positive, forward-facing emotions allure the unconscious mind to turn off the automatic pilot so we can get outside our comfort zone.  And yet, some people will go an entire lifetime without knowing what stirs the deepest crevices of their soul, which is why purpose feels like an elusive concept for so many.

My search for meaning started with years of self-absorbed navel-gazing.  Oh, I asked myself all the “right” questions: who I am, why am I here, what do I do well, what’s most important in my life, what are my interests, what has my life taught me so far, and now that I’m here, what am I meant to do – right now?  I’m not discounting the process – it introduced me to the importance of meaning and changed my life.  I exited that process knowing full well that I was supposed to be helping others to unleash their untapped potential.  But, in retrospect, I am also aware that some of my answers came from my head, not my heart.  And, here’s how I know the difference.

Last summer I was in Phoenix and took a quick two-day trip to Sedona with a colleague.  If you’ve been to this magical place, you already know it’s the allure of the red rocks and nature’s untapped splendor that brings millions of tourists to this part of Arizona each year.  On our second day we set an intention: find a vortex.  A vortex is a site where the energy of an area is said to be concentrated and it is a great place to pray, meditate or heal.  So, Sally and I embraced our new-aged Thelma and Louise personas and set off in the compact rental car with the vortex map from the visitor’s center and the pendulum we’d purchased hours earlier in-hand.  Go ahead and laugh; we did.

And yet, that all changed for me when I sat at the base of the first mountain. We’d split up, and I sat uncomfortably on a rock in my attempt to meditate. The chatter of the morning ran through my head: how did I miss the rain forecast, I wish I’d had another cup of coffee, were we really at the right location. One minute passed. I continued to sit, and my thoughts slowed.  Two minutes turned into five.  There was more silence than chatter.  I don’t know how long it was when the message came through to my consciousness, “It’s time for us to heal.”  

The words didn’t make rational sense, but my body viscerally responded to the truth of the statement.  Tears formed in my eyes.   

Not long after that thought, a picture entered my awareness: it was a Native American Medicine Wheel.  Months earlier I wouldn’t have recognized the symbol, but now I had an inlay of a medicine wheel in the foyer of a house my husband and I had purchased a few months earlier.

The concrete and copper wheel in our house was created by the original owner, Kitty Farmer.  At the time, she was a literary agent.  However, she would go on to leave the publishing industry, move from Washington State, and co-found the Medicine Wheel Foundation, which addresses the significant health disparities occurring in the Native American population.  I had the chance to talk to Kitty about the wheel and her work, and afterward, was intrigued enough to watch the trailer of a documentary she was making, What’s in the Heart.  The film, once completed, would highlight the cost of emotional wounds from past generations and explore the programs that are bridging allopathic and traditional native healing practices to assist the Native American communities to heal.

The words that flooded my conscious awareness that day were taken directly from that video, “It is time to for us to heal.”

This was a significant moment for me, because I’d been avoiding using the word “healing” to describe my work.  And yet, on that day my heart opened and I heard those words as if they were my own. I knew I wanted to be a part of the movement to help people to self-heal in more non-conventional ways.  My work would be different than Kitty Farmer’s, but in the global sense – it was the same.  After all, my self-discovery had been surface until I learned how to open my heart.  It was clear that the time had arrived to let go of my ego and listen to the whispers of my soul, which is where you find real purpose and meaning.  And, you’ll know you found it when your emotions tell you so. 

Today, those words – IT’S TIME TO HEAL - sit above my desk in the visual mapping goal work I did with Patti Dobrowolski a few months ago.  It’s an icon that keeps me focused, inspired, courageous and clear.  It fuels my work, and my life.  It tells me why I exist, right now.  And, it opens the door to the real principles of success.   

This is a series of posts born from the post, The Real Secrets to Success.  In our next post, we will explore the importance of Ecology to success.  

The Real Principles of Success

Over three years ago I posted an anonymous Craig’s list ad and sent out a viral email seeking volunteers who wanted to take a yearlong journey to discover the real secrets to loving work.  I egotistically thought I’d share my wisdom, and in return, they’d give me permission to chronicle their stories in a book one day.  In the end, I was humbly reminded that they had more to teach me about the real principles of success than I had to share, and the book was put on hold.  Fast-forward to today and a lot has changed since that first innocent post.

My quest for more answers changed the face of my business, corporate clients replaced my willing volunteers, and the yearlong program was shaved down to nine months.  What hasn’t changed, however, is that my students continue to teach me much about happiness and success.  In fact, I want to share today the collective wisdom that surfaced from one of my last groups that wrapped up earlier this month. My hope – to pay homage to their hard work and dedication by sharing what I think they’d want you to know about the real secrets to loving work.

Meaning

We’ve always known that purpose and meaning grows in importance come mid-life. Finding meaning answers the question, “What’s important and why am I here?”  People seem to be waking up to this question earlier these days.  For folks just like you and me, answering this question means connecting to the emotional desire and intrinsic motivation that carries you in the face of adversity and challenge.  It creates grit.  For those receiving the benefits of what we do, meaning and purpose conveys without words that heart is embedded in the outcome of the work. 

Conscious Choice

By the time adults become employees they have become a bundle of automatic reflexes and their earliest life experiences have settled into comfortable patterns meant to keep them safe from repeating the past.  And so, those who are achieving a new level of success operate from a place of present-moment awareness and choice. This allows anyone to more gracefully embrace uncertainty, trust their intuition and take full responsibility for what’s important…one decision and solution at a time.  Sure, living in the present still includes a declaration to big bold intentions for the future, but never at the cost of ignoring what they’re being called to do right now.

Authenticity

We’ve grown accustomed to “sameness” in the Western world, which forced people to quiet their own needs, vulnerabilities, desires and hide behind the mask of ego: the person they think they need to be in order to be successful. This shaped the fear-based systems of conformity, control and judgment that’s still present in business today.  However, sameness is making way for greater individuality and creativity that is being fueled by awareness and a willingness to let go of old ways of being.  In return, there’s more unapologetic authenticity out in the world. These are the folks who have learned to listen from the inside and operate from a place of flow, faith, gratitude and abundance that manifests in very tangible ways.   In the end, they define and achieve success on their own terms because work is an extension of who they are most naturally.

Ecological

When using the term ecological, it’s much more than a reference to the planet. Ecology begs the question about whether what and how people do their work is good for those who are directly and indirectly impacted: maybe those they love the most, the team, organization or community they support, the country where they live, and yes, even the planet.  Using ecology as an on-going litmus test gives way to healthy boundaries, flexibility, character and ultimately, legacy.  Those who ignore this natural ecosystem suffer the effects of non-sustainability because resources are easily depleted – even within humans – when there are more withdrawals than deposits. 

Collaboration

Competition was emphasized when Darwin declared the human ecosystem was based on survival of the fittest.  Of course, this is fear-based thinking.  However, physics now tells us what we believed in more mystical times:  we are all interconnected.  There is no such thing as “separateness” that keeps anyone safe when someone strives to win at any cost.  In fact, when someone loses, the whole collective of humanity loses a little bit at a time even when we hide behind the façade of pride. I suspect those of you who are prospering in this economy already understand this principle and are maximizing opportunities to trade, collaborate and partner for the greater good.

Service

All of us have a unique set of special gifts and talents we bring to this world.  When these natural wonders converge, it defines that one thing someone does better than most.  We call this brilliance.  Claiming and naming one’s brilliance illuminates the possibilities and lights the pathway to success through a natural call into service. Not subservient service, but empowered service for the betterment of humanity.  No longer is it necessary to extrapolate our interests, desires and ambitions in order to serve humanity. When humanity launches from this place, there is no need to sell, convince or unnaturally wedge services into places where they don’t fit because it’s the story embedded in the repetition that opens doors and closes deals.

Again, I thank my students [turned teachers] for this wisdom. You courageously showed up, discovered and clarified for me what really creates happiness and success from the inside out.  On a personal level, you gently reminded me that living these principles is the only way to see clear to your place in the world; and, it’s not a destination, but a journey.  For that, and many other things, I am humbled and grateful that you allowed me to serve as your guide on this leg of this journey.

After this post and over the next few weeks, I will expand on what these principals mean to me – please stay tuned.

You Get What You Need

There is this thirst in our society to find the “perfect” something – whether it’s the perfect career, perfect relationship or perfect circumstances.  We want to know what we are supposed to be doing, and are convinced it will bring a lifetime of happiness and success.  And in our incessant search for all the right answers we miss what our life is trying to tell us – right now.  Embarrassingly, I found myself in this very position recently.  And, I thought you might want to know how to avoid similar circumstances. 

It all started a few months ago.  My practice was thriving, but I was asking the old question of, “What’s next?”  Therefore, I did what I tell all my clients to do whenever progress feels stalled: I revisited my long-term vision of success, declared three big goals, and prepared to watch things naturally unfold.

For the first time, I did my visioning work with the help of Patti Dobrowolski.  She specializes in visual mapping, meaning I talked about what I wanted and she gave visual representation to my words, ideas and dreams.  The process was incredibly inspiring.  I reconfirmed my long-term vision to help people to reconnect to their full potential through healing.  (Let’s be honest, we’re getting loud signals that the world needs healing right now.) And to further the mission, I committed three goals to paper – create a healing center, tell my own story of personal transformation, and build a robust on-line community for those interested in learning how to self-heal.

Since that time, I could give you a million little and a few big examples of coincidences that have unfolded effortlessly – like unexpectedly buying land for the healing center, miraculously finding financing in this economy, having a spectacular marketing team assembled on my behalf – but of course, nothing happens by accident. Nothing.  No, we all move closer to what we want when we learn to trust, pay attention and act definitively.  Oh, the decisions don’t always feel logical or rational at the time, but I’ve come to give greater value the unconscious mind and the collective wisdom of something greater than myself.  I just have faith in these pulling forces because they are always a few steps ahead of the limited conscious mind, which is where we tend to conjure up short-term goals anyway.  But when you get them on all the same page – magic happens, and it happens quickly.

That’s right.  When you declare a goal out loud, you have to be prepared as the universe rearranges itself on your behalf.   You might get the right email at the perfect time, read an article that answers an old nagging question or show up at the wrong appointment and meet the right person.  But what people don’t often tell you is that you also have to be prepared to get circumstances that you didn’t want, which is what happened when my writing coach almost fired me a month ago.

Fire me?  I’d just declared my recommitment to writing the book. I thought to myself, “I can’t write a book without my writing coach?!”  But of course, my coaches’ perspective was much more on target:  I can’t write a book if I don’t make time for writing the book.

Like I said, the universe will rearrange itself on your behalf.  And, you may not always get what you want, but you’ll get what you need.  You just have to trust that it’s all happening for the right reasons. Sometimes it’s a lesson cloaked as a diversion.  If you haven’t heeded the lesson in the past, it can easily look like a wake-up call.  My conversation with Kimberly was a wake-up call.  And the only way you’ll know the difference is to ask yourself what your life is telling you – right now.

When I asked myself that question, I noticed a convergence zone of sorts. My coach asking me to declare a specific writing goal, my breakthrough appointments uncharacteristically slowing, the all-star marketing team efforts that started to wane, the computer problems which cut me off from barrages of email, an invitation to writing time in the woods… and as a result, I’ve done lots of writing. Over 5,000 words, thank you very much. It’s not yet a chapter, but it’s a start – and a good start.

So today, I am humbly reminding you to stop, look and listen to what your life is telling you – right now.  Having a long-term vision and declaring goals tells the universe what you want, but you have to be prepared to listen even when you don’t like the answer.  Don’t take for granted the hidden meaning that arises from the circumstances of your everyday life.  If you’re not getting the perfection of what you want, it probably means you’re getting the perfection of what you need.  

Demystifying Emotional Triggers

Have you ever felt emotionally hijacked – held captive by some mysterious emotional trigger that you didn’t quite understand?  Who hasn’t, right?  You know the drill: a flood of unexplained and seemingly uncontrollable emotion races through your body and seizes your ability to behaving rationally.  An emotional trigger can be spurred on by something as simple as a distressing email or a customer service conversation gone wrong, but let’s not forget about the perky neighbor or co-worker that everyone seems to adore…everyone, but you.

When these reactions happen, it’s so easy to look outside of ourselves and blame the situation or person pushing our buttons.  But, what if I told you that every emotional hijack is actually a ransom note telling you there is something to heal?  I was abruptly reminded of this fact last week when I found myself in the midst of an unexpected emotional tailspin.

At the time, my husband and I were discussing our long-term financial plans.  The conversation included sobering topics like wills, life insurance, and retirement income; important issues, but not fun, right?  Well, in the middle of the conversation I found myself officially hijacked.  Hell, between us – it was like I had a case of undiagnosed Tourette’s syndrome.  On some level, I was aware that my response was totally out of proportion, but I just couldn’t stop myself.  My emotions were over-the-top, out-of-control and my body’s physiology kicked into high gear, which left nothing to bubble up to the rational brain but waves of desperation.  That’s how a hijack works, unfortunately.

And yet, we both know that these natural and automatic fight or flight responses are supposed to be reserved for the real thing – like an intruder in your home or ten foot waves at the bow of your boat.  Both, by the way, I’ve experienced. So, a few hours later I embarrassingly asked myself – “What was I thinking?” – knowing I wasn’t thinking at all.  So, I wondered, "What unconscious belief caused this response?"
     
As I’ve said before, the unconscious mind works on the premise of least effort.  It’s always on the lookout for seemingly similar circumstances and responses from the past in hopes of applying those old responses to present day situations.  It was clear I had a belief that had been running amuck for some time.  So, I went looking for the root cause.

Here is what I found:  “You are not capable of supporting yourself!”

This, of course, is a disempowering belief that is not true, so I let it go. In a matter of minutes, I could feel a sense of self-reliance, capability and focus being unleashed in my body.  These internal resources didn’t come from a protective “I’ll show you” mindset, but from a place of internal expansion.  In that moment, I knew the resources had already been there but it’s as if they were being held captive by a very old wound. 

In the days that passed, I reflected on how this belief has shaped my life.  If I’m honest, I’ve been waiting for someone to take care of me for most of my life.  Don’t get me wrong – I’ve worked hard and successfully over the years – but deep down at a unconscious level it appears I never believed it would be my financial success that would fuel my ability to be in service to more people.  Again, not flattering to say out loud, but I can see many decisions tied to this belief.  And, it explains a lot about my writing, as well.

As you know, I’ve been writing a book for the last couple of years.  It’s probably more accurate to say I’ve been thinking about writing a book more than writing a book.  In other words, my mental intentions haven’t been matched by the action of written word on the page.  I can see how this belief impacted this endeavor.  Consciously, I would say, “I am going to write a book and create a huge platform to help others to heal more quickly.”  And my unconscious mind whisper, “Oh, why bother?  You’re not capable of supporting the outcomes you want in life.”  I only know this because I have been supercharged for the last week, and not only in my writing.
 
I would have never recaptured these internal resources if I hadn’t followed the ransom note delivered by my emotions.  Every hijack – big or small – tells me there’s something to heal. And when I address the ransom, I reconnect to more of my potential and the resources that come along with greater wholeness.  And, the same is also true for you.  

I Don’t Like Spiders and Snakes

If you’ve had a critical conversation, first date, job interview or have ever spoken in front of a large group — you already know the connection between the mind and body.  Who hasn’t experienced these tell-tale  physiological symptoms in times of stress:  stomach butterflies, an embarrassing color shift or perspiration that appears at the most inopportune time?  But, what happens when these natural physiological responses are so exaggerated that they immobilize someone at the mere thought of something…whether it’s a small eight-legged critter, slimy reptile or confined space.  Most people know we call this phenomenon a phobia, but maybe you didn't know how easy it is to release these irrational fears.

The term irrational feels a little harsh, huh?  But, in this situation the term used by the field of psychology actually makes a lot sense, because the vast majority of phobias are created before our capacity for rational thought is fully developed.  In the absence of a logical counterbalance in someone’s youngest years, the seeds of phobias are planted through misconstrued experiences exaggerated by fear.
  
These misinterpretations are stored as unconscious memories.  And, all of our memories are stored as internal representations — collages of pictures, sounds, and feelings — which tell us how to respond to something in the future based on an experience in the past.  So, someone with arachnophobia can see a small spider and lose himself in a sea of anxiety. And yet, it's not the spider that scares the person, but the internal picture of how his unconscious thinks he's supposed to respond to spiders.  And, when you change that picture — you remove the phobia.  It's that simple.

Regardless of the ease, it’s always humbling to witness someone release a debilitating fear so quickly.  One time in particular stands out in my mind. I had just finished delivering a half-day workshop to a large group of Vistage CEOs.  We’d spent our time together discussing the topic of beliefs, performance and instant change.  At the end of the workshop, I quipped I could easily release a phobia for anyone who had an extra fifteen minutes to spare.  Because the group already had a deep understanding of how change happens instantly, I jokingly made the offer. And if I’m honest, I was surprised when someone took me up on it.
 
This person had a snake phobia.  At just the mere suggestion of having a slimy reptile caged in the front of the room, his physiology jumped into high alert: flushed face, heart racing, beads of sweat.  I quickly changed the subject to keep him in the room, until he was calm enough to discuss how old he might have been when he decided snakes were scary.  He remembered lots of memories from later in his life, but like most clients, he couldn’t consciously remember the first event.  Therefore, I guided him to identify the first seed that formed this irrational fear.

Within seconds, he entered the memory a very early childhood experience.  This recollection, in itself, will not undue a phobia but it offered a starting point for our work.  Instead, our job together was to change the earliest internal representation.  So for the next ten minutes, I lead him to replay and disconnect the fear from that memory using the NLP phobia model.  In the end, he realized the first memory never even included a real snake - but instead, was a stern warning from his mother about playing around snake holes.  Once he had this rational perspective, I asked him one final time how he’d respond to a caged snake in the front of the room.  When he ambivalently shrugged his shoulders, I knew our work was done.

Of course, not everyone has a full-blown phobia.  And yet, the same model that creates a phobia also creates the stress and anxiety we experience in every day situations — during a critical conversation, first date, job interview or speech before a large group.  Were my client had a belief that snakes are dangerous, many of us hold a set of limiting beliefs that send direct neurological commands to the body when our unconscious mind believes we are in danger.  They, too, are often created by misconstrued experiences. Though the physiological response from these beliefs may not be as overt, the unconscious signals are disempowering none-the-less.  And also like a phobia, these beliefs don't go away through awareness, but they can be released easily.  In fact, it's even quicker than letting go of a life-long phobia.    

Meditation Made Easy

I’ve tried mediation on and off throughout the years — mostly off.   Meditation has always felt difficult for me, and if you’ve read any of my blogs, you know I’ve spent most my life avoiding hard.  In fact, I suspect it’s my propensity to skirt the difficult that originally fueled my motivation to wake up through more unorthodox techniques.  And yet, I understand the benefits of meditation to consciousness-raising — I do.  In fact, with this understanding I’ve tried insight meditation, guided meditation, contemplation meditation, breath meditation, walking meditation and maybe a few more.  But it always felt hard, and in the end, my practice was always short-lived.   And then, I read about a different type of meditation that promised to be easy.

The book was Transcendence: Healing and Transformation Through Transcendental Meditation, which is currently a New York Times best seller, written by Dr. Norman Rosenthal.  Rosenthal is not a new aged prophet or a self-help guru, but a well known psychiatrist and researcher at the Institute of Mental Health.  In fact, he affectionately named the seasonal effectiveness disorder (SAD) that impacts many in the Pacific Northwest.

But anyway, Rosenthal makes a compelling case for the benefits of a specific type of meditation called transcendental meditation or TM.  In addition to the obvious health benefits of meditation, he talks at length about how the simple technique of TM can allow anyone to connect to the silent core of our being – in other words, reach pure consciousness.  In fact, he promised that TM would feel natural and easy and wouldn’t require lots of practice to be effective.  And finally, he said it didn’t require any specific belief system or religious context.  I was intrigued.

Now, for anyone who has tried other forms of meditation, like me, this declaration seemed way too good to be true.  I found myself succumbing to the same skepticism that surrounds the work that I do.  Just slightly ironic, I think.  But, I’d tried other types of meditation and still had vivid memories of time passing too slowly and watching thoughts run through my mind….and then, opening my eyes to realize only two minutes has passed.  UGH.  Could this technique really be easier?  I set out to find a qualified TM teacher in Seattle to learn more.

In early July I attended the information session.  I learned that the technique was created by Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, who reemerged this ancient technique as a way to offer western folks a technique to find inner peace.  For those who lived in the 60’s, it was actually Maharishi who introduced the Beatles to the benefits of meditation.  This specific type of meditation uses a personalized mantra — which has a certain vibrational sound and quality — that guides the psyche to what it does naturally:  moves toward happiness, stillness and peace.  This really interested me, because much of my work uses the same principle, but I was still skeptical how this would translate to meditation.  So, I decided to experience it for myself.

In my very first official training session, I was sitting in an unassuming house in the middle of suburbia Kirkland.  Somehow, I’d always envisioned this would happen in an Ashram.  I was guided into a very small room simply decorated with two chairs and a make-shift ceremonial shrine that adorned a picture of Maharishi.  After a very brief ceremony in Sanskrit, I was left to meditate with my very own secret mantra.  I didn’t need to sit in the lotus position or put an uncomfortable pillow below my butt, but encouraged to make myself comfortable in what appeared to be an old dining room chair.  Apparently, there is no suffering necessary with TM.

And in fact, the theme of no suffering actually continued through the meditation technique, as well.  Unlike other types of mediation I’d tried, I was encouraged to allow my thoughts to rise and meet them with my mantra.  Over time, the mantra was more present than the thoughts.  And then, the mantra left and I found silence.  Until the cycle started again, slowing down a little each time.  Before you know it, the teacher said, “Okay, you can come out of the meditation now slowly.”  What appeared to be five minutes — tops — had actually been twenty.

It’s funny really.  I’ve had an appointment on my schedule for the last two years for daily meditation.  Every day it pops up on my calendar reminder, and I turn it off.  I’ve never allowed myself to remove the appointment because I knew I wanted meditation as part of my daily self-care.  And today my reminder popped up and I just smiled.  I’d already done my morning 20 minute mediation.  That’s right; with TM you only meditate for 20 minutes twice a day.  And, as Rosenthal says in his book, he used to want a place in the country or in the mountains.  Now, he just looks forward to his mediation.  I couldn’t agree more.  I’m already looking forward to tonight’s sitting.

Oh, and did I mention that it’s easy?

Consciousness Continuum

Until recently, I’ve stayed away from using the word “consciousness” in my practice.  I don’t know, maybe I wondered if people would want to debate what consciousness is or isn’t – and I felt inept to convey my lay viewpoint while some of our best philosophers and scientists continue to debate the issue:  is it neurological, quantum or spiritual?  I’m still not prepared to answer that complicated question, but it’s clear we need a little common sense on the topic.  More important, people need to understand how — in the simplest of terms — one’s level of consciousness dictates how we respond to the circumstances of life.

First and foremost, let’s make it simple — consciousness is nothing more than describing how awake you are to yourself, and to the world around you.  You can be awake a little, or a lot.  If you are only slightly awake, the world is a subjective place where you are thrown about by circumstances, emotions and safe choices.  For these folks, the world can easily become a platform of doing in the name of self-interest and ego.

Conversely, if you are fully awake, the world is a vast and interconnected plateau where your personal contribution makes an investment to the greater whole.  As a result, you more easily transcend the grip of circumstances and emotions and make conscious choices aligned with the highest good.  These folks are more interested in the art of being, meaning they do as well, but from a place of clarity, love, expansiveness and service.

And of course, it’s a continuum and most of us live somewhere along this spectrum.   David Hawkins in his book on consciousness, Power vs. Force, says one in fifteen million people live at the far right of the continuum and experience what we’ve come to call enlightenment.  

I suppose you might be curious about where you sit on this continuum, right?  Well, it’s actually fairly easy to discern.  Just notice if you have a stronger propensity to operate from a place of ego and negative emotions, such as guilt, fear, hopelessness or pride…or whether if you’re more apt to be carried by a sense of love, faith or deep inner peace even during challenging times.

In short, consciousness allows you to transcend circumstances, which is what transcendence means in Latin:  beyond this.  And the more you wake up, the more you’re able to get out of your head and untether yourself from the exaggerated emotions that plague many of our lives today.  It doesn’t mean you don’t feel anything, but you can put things in greater perspective because your heart is open.  This expansiveness became increasingly evident to me when my husband suffered a stroke late last year. As you can imagine, I was certainly concerned and felt emotionally jostled occasionally.  And yet, I also felt incredibly strong.  Not because I emotionally disconnected or retreated for survival purposes, but because a sense of faith was palpable whenever I found myself being fully present.  In fact, I would also experience moments of deep appreciation in this presence – for the lessons, technology, staff and the loving support that seemed to be all around us.  But it wasn’t until the crisis passed that I realized that this uncanny sense of presence was new to my life.
 
I want to be clear that being present is not something I learned how to do consciously.  In fact, I can remember reading both of Eckhart Tolle’s books, The Power of Now and A New Earth, and thinking that this way of being, as he described it, was more easily said than done.  After all, he had the benefit of enlightenment to guide his thoughts, behaviors and emotions.  As one of the 14,999,999 million other people who haven’t experienced spontaneous enlightenment, I remember being frustrated that I couldn’t create a bridge from his lovely words and experiences straight to my heart.  I had an intellectual understanding of being and presence, but that didn't help me avoid being flung about my life’s little circumstances.  Until, that is, I started to work on my level of consciousness through blind ignorance.
      
You see, I’ve lived my work over the last few years.  Meaning, I created a practice of releasing old beliefs or healing old wounds using the restorative techniques I use with my clients.  During the process, it’s natural to connect momentarily to the state of being – a place that feels objective and neutral.  When I first started releasing, I’d receive moments of what felt like common sense or clarity.  But as my practice continued, however, I started to connect more often to a sense of joy or peace or contentment, until the feelings finally progressed to a state of pure bliss.  And what I now understand – is that with every beautiful encounter – I would bring a little bit of those emotional states back to expand my conscious awareness.   In the end, it was this regimen that allowed me to transcend the storm of natural emotions, worries and fears that come along with any medical crisis.
     
Maybe you’re still curious about your own level of consciousness, but it feels too unfair to think about life’s big challenges.  If so, just reflect on how you respond to the little things in life.  What happens when someone accidentally butts in front of you in the line at the grocery store or cuts you off on the highway?  What do you say to yourself, or to them?  What feelings run through your body?  How do you behave?  Can you distance yourself from the emotions and ask yourself what might be happening for them?  Can you be curious even in the face of a potential affront?  Do you feel the propensity to do something to prove you’re right, or can you be with the moment and respond from a place of clarity, expansiveness and love?  It’s these everyday moments that often cause me to ask myself:  Is it time to wake up some more?

Can People Change?

I used to wonder if people could change.  At the time, it was easy to chalk up my own cynicism to two decades in human resources in which I had witnessed the masses struggling to adapt to constructive feedback — even when it held the promise of greater success. And yet today, this very question of whether people can change seems incredibly naïve and shallow. As I work with clients, I want them to understand there is nothing about who they are that needs to change.  Changing people isn’t the answer.  Instead, we need to help people discover more of who they really are.  I know, this declaration might sound a little contradictory, so let me tell you a little more.

Remember, we were born whole, perfect and full of perfection.  We were flexible, creative, adaptable, resourceful, innovative and loving.  We were brimming with possibilities, innate interests and natural inclinations.  And then, life happened.  Our little minds received clear messages that in order to be loved, worthy, maybe even safe, we needed to act or do things in a certain way.  By adulthood, some strategies work.  Others don’t.
  
And yet, we don’t change or transform by “fixing” what’s not working.  This is why training, performance reviews, new years’ resolutions and ultimatums have a short shelf-life.  Take my client who is wicked smart, driven and a deeply committed consultant.  She is already incredibly successful in her own right, but work feels hard and monopolizes her life.  She’s all or nothing when it comes to pleasing her customers — mostly all, which is starting to take a toll on her health.  Our job is not to change or fix who she is, but to help her rediscover those aspects of herself that were hidden away by the message she had to please others, at all costs.

And yet, we’ve become such a doing society that we’ve lost sight of the benefits that come with a sense of being or wholeness.  Which is why this client’s homework assignment was getting more comfortable with the notion that she could be worthy without doing anything.  So in preparation for our next session, her assignment was to relearn how to waste time — her words — which for her included sitting uncomfortably on a park bench without a purpose, attempting small bites of meditation and walking a labyrinth in the middle of the workday.  All of these activities allowed her to address her  unconscious fear of being useless.

As you can see, this is a very different strategy than telling people what’s not working, which happens all the time, right?  Instead of encouraging individuals to transform through wholeness, we encourage people to change by throwing out the comfortable parts of who they are already.  In fact, I can remember being told in one of my annual performance reviews that I sounded like a consultant.  It was implied, “Work on changing that.”  What does one do with that type of feedback?  Without any outside direction, I heightened my self-awareness and questioned my motivations.  In turn, I became paranoid and self-conscious in an environment already wrought with ego, educational pedigree and unrelenting excellence.  I was clearly overcompensating, but I needed someone to guide me.  I didn’t need less of whatever I was exuding, but the counterbalance of something that was clearly missing from within.  I didn’t need to change, but find more of myself.

I know the exact moment when this aspect of who I am was gifted with greater equilibrium.   I was in Southern California and experiencing my very first breakthrough session as the crescendo to my master’s training.  In a crowed hotel conference room filled with thirty other practitioners, I’d spent my morning in a corner with another practitioner sharing the beliefs I had about myself:  I’m not smart enough, good enough, you fill in the blank.  Once I released those old beliefs, there was an invitation to be unapologetically me.  It no longer seemed necessary — consciously or unconsciously — to project something I wasn’t.  I could embrace all aspects of myself. And let’s be clear: these elements of who I am most authentically weren’t willing to come out just because someone suggested I change.

In retrospect, if I would have changed there is the chance I could have let go of what I do well — communicate.   That would be equivalent to throwing out the baby with the bath water.  In fact, my client doesn’t need to change either.  Can you see that?  What we both required was a repertoire of behaviors that come from a greater sense of internal equilibrium, which only emerges when we revive the young character virtues, values and beliefs that were present before we looked at life through the lens of fear.  We didn’t need to change — you don’t need to change — but instead, tap into a pool of internal resources that come along when we embrace more of who we are.  

The Three Culprits of Unhappiness

If there’s anything I’ve learned in my lifetime, it’s that too many people are unhappy.  This first came to light for me in the workplace where so many people are working in jobs they find unfulfilling; literally millions of folks fit in this category.  But I’ve come to witness a level of dissatisfaction and unhappiness that’s almost unexplainable, which made me think recently about what stops people from living more joyous and bliss-filled lives.  From the inspiration of a ten second Twitter post, here are the three most common culprits, I believe, that stop us from achieving greater happiness.

Not knowing what you want:
At the simplest level, too many of us don’t know what’s important to us — meaning what we want to accomplish or do in our lifetime.  Also, I see an absence of intention behind who we want to be or how we want people to remember us.  Even while the research is very clear: it’s not arriving at the destination, but the journey of traveling to achieving our aspirations that brings us joy.  However, with the void of being clear about what we want and the character and values that will help us to get there — happiness alludes even the most talented.

This particular culprit shows up for many reasons, but it’s a protective mindset that dupes most.  Meaning, these folks spend their time trying to avoid something — being broke, unloved, criticized, vulnerable, disappointing others, failure — so much so, they’re often playing defense.  This causes them to spend too much time talking about what they don’t want…and as a result, they’ve forgotten to ask themselves what might be possible on the horizon.  In the worse-case scenario, they’re so stuck that they’ve given up dreaming all together.      

Not wanting what you have:
This nasty culprit creates unhappiness for a couple of reasons.  First, there’s the simple reality that many of us don’t know why we want something in the first place.  Why do so many want power, possessions or unending wealth?  Is it about impact, contribution or service to humanity?  Or, is it about feeling in control, worthy, good enough or smart enough?  If driven by the latter and unaware, these poor folks find themselves chasing happiness on the hedonic treadmill and external circumstances to quench their thirst.
   
Also, this is an absence of gratitude for what we have.  I know this statement might sounds trite, but it’s true.  In the constant striving for what’s next, we’ve forget that many of the experiences, possessions or privileges we once valued or wanted are the things we now take for granted.  Even in scenarios that aren’t ideal, we can still feel gratitude for our freedom of conscious choice.  Viktor Frankl, a holocaust survivor who went on to write A Man’s Search for Meaning exemplified this by highlighting that we can always choose the attitude and perspective we bring to a situation.  Frankl found gratitude in the fact that no one could take away his inner most thoughts.

Wanting more than you have:
I’m not sure I have to say much about this one.  As a society we love big, more and bigger.  Overconsumption and envy is at a pandemic.  The famous director, Tom Shadyac, who made films like Ace Ventura and Pet Detective, highlights how he came to terms with his own consumption indulgence in the recently released documentary I AM.  In other words, Shadyac points out the lines between what we want and what we really need have become blurred. 

We don’t often receive lessons from looking at other people’s lives.  So, the thoughts I share today don’t come from a place of platitude or judgment, but from living my own life.  My hope for you is that the questions that now guide me can also help you:  is what I need really important or what is my real intention; why do I want this or what will it say about me as a person if I don’t have/do this; and, do I really need more?  I believe that, in those questions, you’ll find the answers to true happiness. 

Making Sense

My husband and I watched a documentary called Wake Up this weekend.  The movie depicts a reluctant spiritual seeker, Jonah Elrod, who experiences an unusual phenomenon that changes how he interprets the world through his five senses.  In short, he now has the capability to see — with his own eyes — the interconnectedness of all humanity through our normally unseen energetic connections.  He can also see spirits, angels, and yes, even energy that is wounded and shattered.  The film depicts his journey to make sense and find peace with this new-found capability.  In the end, he calls on us to wake up to the fact that there is more to this world than what we can experience through our limited five senses or our rational minds.

After watching the movie, I voiced that everyone should hear Elrod’s story.  My husband quickly replied, “Not everyone would believe it.  It won’t make sense to everyone.”  I said nothing in response, because I intuitively understood these might represent his thoughts.  This left-brain intellectual who lovingly inhabits my life represents the majority of Western culture.  If we can’t see, measure, prove or make sense of something, it doesn’t exist.  And, in fact, it’s this limited paradigm created hundreds of years ago that closes humanity off from the extraordinary that lies beyond the mind.

In fact, at one point in the film Elrod visits with a Sufi Mystic, Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee, Ph.D., in one of many attempts to understand his new reality.  Elrod asks the mystic why the human race has lost contact with the level of consciousness he is experiencing.   The Mystic says, “It happened over the last few hundred years…with the belief in science…with the belief in rationalism…and so, we actually developed a consciousness that created a veil between us and the spirit world and all of its manifestations.”  In other words, we’ve forgotten how to be fully awake to all of reality — and this has been exaggerated with our love affair with science and rational thought.   

As I reflect on this simple notion, I can easily associate this statement to one of my poignant moments where I expanded my own notion of reality.  It was a cold December day last year and I was making my third visit to see Sally Pechstein who does healing energy work. 

   

Like Elrod, I was a reluctant seeker.  If you would have told me a few years ago I’d be spending a busy holiday shopping day visiting with someone who claims to clear our energy centers, I would have fell down laughing.  But I’d already experienced my own awakening  — and once you start to awaken — you'll want to awaken some more.  So, I’d been exploring other healing modalities with great interest. 

 

After my very first visit to Sally, It was clear that my own veil of consciousness was lifted just a little bit further.  And therefore, I returned this day with the same openness, but with more deliberate intention.  I’d just finished reading the book Journey of Souls by Michael Newton, Ph. D.  The book chronicled a once mainstream psychologist who experiments with hypnotherapy to further the healing process and in return, stumbles upon a set of consistent themes regarding what happens to our soul after death: how our soul leaves the body, collect it’s life lessons and evaluates actions with those spirit entities who have watched over and guided us in the physical world.  The book was absolutely fascinating, but my intellectual mind was reeling with questions.  And yet, the notion that the soul exists beyond ones’ physical death made total sense in my gut.  So, I went to see Sally that day to make sense of whether any of this was true.  Sally humbly embraced my agenda.  

As I had two times before, I lay down on the table and covered myself with the warm blanket.  Sally started some relaxing music you’d easily find in the new-age bookstore and offered me a small lavender-filled pillow to cover my eyes.  As the room morphed into darkness, I promised myself to surrender to whatever feelings, pictures or sounds my senses could grasp.  Before you know it, my cognitive thoughts were reduced into a state of empty relaxation.  

Sally started her silent work and I retreated inward further. (I want to be clear that I was in a meditative state, not in a trance.  As a hypnotherapist myself, I know the difference.)  It couldn’t have been more than 10 minutes before I was aware of the presence of others in the room.  It wasn’t a sense that I could hear or see people that would appear if I removed my eye coverings, but that there was considerably more energy in the room.  In fact, it was like being a crowded, darkened elevator and knowing, intuitively, that we’d passed the weigh threshold by three times.  

After this awareness heightened, a slideshow started to play in the internal darkness of my mind.  The slideshow was a montage of images representing my life — these weren’t pictures I consciously created.  It was as if someone had hit the play button on a projector as I involuntarily sat in the theater watching my life pass through my mind’s eye.  Like fireflies on a hot summer night, every challenging moment of my life flashed with rapid succession: my awkward childhood, failing in school, the heartache of my marriage, giving up my children.  

As quickly as it started, the images were gone.  In their place was a clear message in unspoken terms from someone who felt incredibly wise, “We were always there: in every challenging moment.”  And, I knew it was true.  Not because I needed physical evidence or a scientific study to tell me so, but because every cell in my body was basking in gratitude, love and a deep sense of knowing that this divine presence has followed me through my life.  In response to this truth, my body felt overflowing with bliss: as if I’d consumed too much gratitude on a gluttonous Thanksgiving Day.  So much so, I said silently to this presence, “Okay.  Okay.  I know you are here.”  I needed a reprieve from the emotion and the physical pressure that surrounded me. 

The intensity would subside and rise again on two more occasions in that session, leaving me with other profound experiences that culminating in an important message:  I am here in this lifetime to learn, so I may teach others.

 I would stay on the table that day well after Sally left the room.  At first, I didn’t dare stand because I was still overwrought by awe, so I let the tears flow in hopes the sensations would escape my body.  By the time I propped myself in the corner chair next to thin slice of light coming in from the window, my rational thoughts started to come into focus — what did I experience, was it real, what did it mean?  So, I invited Sally back into the room and attempted to put my experience into words, but it was difficult to translate the indescribable into a common lexicon that didn't exist.  I did my best.  And in return, Sally shared her written account of what she’d experienced as the practitioner.   Our accounts were almost identical.  

But regardless of the fact that I know what I know about this profound experience — and that Sally corroborated what I experienced through her own account — most of our society will automatically discount what unfolded because it doesn’t make sense in the rational mind.  I understand that, I do. I get that Jonah Elrod’s story pushes our boundaries.  Years ago I would have discounted it, as well.  But that was before a few years of experiences that have expanded my own understanding of how this world works.  Making sense has its place, but in the process of paying homage to what science and rational thought provides — we lost touch with the universal laws of what’s really true and the magic of what’s possible. 

Change vs. Transformation

Though it’s been a few years, I can still vividly remember sitting in the CEO’s office just days before leaving my post at the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation.  Before we jumped into the meeting agenda that sunny July morning, the CEO asked me again why I was leaving.  I proudly declared, “I am leaving to guide individuals through personal transformation.”  I’m sure my response included some surface comments about helping folks to navigate change, but today I understand there’s a huge difference between change and transformation; it’s the latter that creates sustainable momentum toward getting the life we want.

What I’ve come to value is that the process of change is nothing more than helping people to get closer to their goal by rearranging the content of their life, which should explain why this approach is often short-lived.

If someone decides, for example, she desires to live a healthy lifestyle — there’s a call to do more or less of something.  Doing new activities and creating different rhythms feels uncomfortable and energy depleting, but she does it anyway by shaking up how, what, when and why she eats or cares for her body.  When she accepts this challenge, she makes incremental shifts in the way she thinks, responds and behaves, but invariably pushes up against the internal resistance of navigating change.  Sometimes she doesn’t change the content…and suffers setbacks.  And, the saga of trying to solve problems or achieve her goal through the change process continues to be an uphill battle.

Personal transformation is vastly different and certainly more profound.  Where change is often short-lived, transformation creates the foundation for sustainable change by expanding the context of who you really are: your strengths, passions,and natural tendencies born from love and awareness, not protection.  As result, a pool of vast internal resources becomes available to you in order to achieve whatever you wish to accomplish — whether big or small.   And unlike change, you can’t undo what is birthed through transformation.  Undoing transformation would be akin to a newly formed butterfly ignoring the wings that now adorn her body.
      
So, if you want a healthier lifestyle — more happiness or greater success — you just have to plug into the full capacity of your personal power.  You see, you already have your own internal system of intelligence and genius which comes from an integrated mind, body and spirit.  And yet, many people have cut themselves off from all the aspects of who they are, so they live in their head and rely on willpower to change content.  They are, in essence, living in a cocoon of a fractured self which cuts them off from their full capacity.

However, when you are congruent and whole, your natural systems innately know how to communicate when you’re hungry or full, whether food is depleting or giving you energy, or if your body is asking for more self-care.  Your internal wisdom already knows what makes you happy, puts you in flow and maintains internal equilibrium. This wellspring of knowledge and resources come from the process of transformation, not change.

I understand that not everyone has the courage to embrace a journey of transformation.  People in our society prefers falling into the trap of changing content instead of looking at how their problems are trying to tell them something about who they really are. 

In fact, I am strong believer that if change is conquering you — this obstacle is an invitation to know more about who you really are…because your problems are created by who you are not.  You see, most of your unproductive habits, behavioral diversions and disempowering strategies are born from a place of protection.  You are more than that.  So, real transformation is about getting real with yourself; why am I eating instead of feeling emotions, what am I protecting myself from or avoiding by keeping the weight on, why is work more important that my body, health or peace of mind? 

When you take a journey of transformation, you honor those parts that no longer serve you…and ask them to leave.   You allow those aspects to die, and in return, create a clearing.  In that clearing emerges a deeper sense of self-understanding, more productive thoughts and deeds and a sense that you must honor what’s most important to your authentic self.  From this place of expanded context of who you are and what you are capable of in this lifetime, you start to support a shift in lifestyle from within.  And, change has no choice but to come along for the ride.

What’s Your Theme?

We are all living a theme: a certain way of being or showing up in the world that defines who you are.  And the world acts as a stage, allowing you to play out your theme with every passing moment.  Your theme was created early in life when you unconsciously asked yourself who you needed to be in order to survive in this challenging world.  I wonder — what’s your theme?

I suspect you already have a hunch about how your theme in life is playing out. But being honest with yourself is still very different than having the richness of who you are boiled down into a thematic character.  Which is what happens when you stand in the audience, watch and ask, “What does my life tell me about myself?”  I did this for the first time many years ago and it was incredibly humbling.  However, recent circumstances offered a pause… and another invitation to look at my life’s theme again through the lens of the Enneagram.
 
The Enneagram is an ancient personality tool that describes nine distinct patterns of how we think, feel and behave based on our perceptual filters.  Underneath each of the nine patterns is a basic proposition or belief about what you need in life for survival and satisfaction.  Apparently, I am an “enthusiast” and have spent my whole life trying to avoid pain and suffering. 

Yup, that’s me. At my best, my theme serves me well.  At a place of unconsciousness, my theme holds me hostage.  Not a pretty thing to confess, but I’ve known for some time that I’ve spent most of my life avoiding hard, walking away from what is difficult, unpleasant or too emotional.  In fact, if I‘m really honest with myself, I’ve spend most of my life in an unending journey to find pleasure — even when it took me down a circuitous path or adversely impacted the people I loved the most.  In short, I created an unhealthy coping mechanism of avoiding hard with a little “h” and in return, would invariably bump up against Hard with a big “H.” I thought I’d left this theme behind, but even before the Enneagram, the last few months made me question if this was true.
 
I am still not sure if I want to call the catalyst for my self-evaluation a breakthrough or a breakdown, but it came a few months ago when I bumped up against hard again.  This situation was a little startling because I pride myself in that, these days, the more I evolve, grow, and connect to the real truth of who I am — the easier things seem to get in my life.  That is, unless you consider my writing struggles. 

On this particular morning I entered the session with my writing coach after a tough week of translating words onto paper.  I confess my frustrations and Kimberly compassionately greets me with a sobering pep talk which includes the wisdom, “Yes, writing can be hard.”  And somehow the words feel wounding.  A well of emotion pools in my body.  A lump forms in my throat as a way to call for my attention as my tears start to flow.  In the past, this would have been an invitation to stuff my feelings down, but now I can let the emotion show itself as a way to guide me to my words, “I’ve already had too much hard in my life.  I don’t want to do that anymore!”

Once those words leave my mouth, however, I know I have a question and a challenge for myself.  Am I still avoiding hard?  And, can I act as a witness over the next few months to see if this theme is still showing up in my life?  I am certainly willing to admit that most of the difficulty I’ve experienced in my early life was self-inflicted through too many self-indulgent choices.  And yet, the experience on this particular morning made me question if I’d really abandoned this strategy entirely.  So I vowed to watch and notice my current relationship to hard.  How would I respond when writing felt laborious, difficult and, yes, even scary?

But a few months later it wasn’t just my writing that caught my attention.  I took a class that pushed my comfort zone regarding my creative abilities.  The uncomfortableness of sitting around a table with five artists with my creative ineptness in bold view was almost unbearable…and yet, I vowed to sit patiently with the discomfort.  A large commitment to build and deliver a two-day workshop was followed by a feeling of being “boxed in” as I prepared to fulfill this commitment…and yet, I begrudgingly did it anyway.  A tough conversation with my husband beckoned my attention…and I wanted to crawl out of my skin to save myself from speaking my truth…and yet, I spoke from a place of honesty.  All of these situations made me acutely aware that I was more willing to plunge into the discomfort these days, but my theme still existed.  I’m getting better at hard, but I clearly haven’t mastered it yet.  
    
I know it wasn’t a coincidence I was introduced to the Enneagram right after my experiment concluded.  This tool made my life make sense; it made the last few months make sense.  I continue to try and protect myself from my own limitations or any potential pain because this innate behavior still exists within me.  And at the same time, I’m also clear that self-awareness, acceptance of my theme and an on-going commitment to take different actions, in spite of myself, is the answer to finding more of who I really am.

So again, I ask — what’s your theme?  Are you all or nothing?  Do you strive for perfection?  Is harmony so important that you’ve forgotten about your own needs?  Do you give so much of yourself that there’s nothing left?  Does accomplishment define who you are?  Do you strive for solitude and independence at the cost of yourself and others?  Do you spend your life skeptically looking for the gaps?  Has your deep longing for emotional connection somehow created a lonely life?  Or, like me, have you spent your life seeking pleasure?
  
You see, once you understand your theme you’ll come face-to-face with who you thought you needed to be in order to be happy.   Only then can you look behind the unhealthy coping mechanisms you’ve created and discover the real you.

Lie to Me

When the word intelligence is used, I suspect most of us would immediately think of mental capacity.  However, humans actually have four types of intellect: spiritual, mental, emotional and physical.  Spiritual intelligence is vast and contains a depth of knowing that runs far beyond IQ comprehension.  Then we have mental, emotional and physical intelligence which are an interconnected and symbiotic system that allow us to connect—or not—to the truth held in the spiritual mind. 

When we aren’t connected to spiritual truth, which resides in a place of unending peace, creativity and resources, it is often due to the lies that our mind, emotions or body conjure up based on our own past experiences.  Though I’ve known this place for some time, it was the bold-face lie my body conjured up a few weeks ago that reminded me of the importance of seeking the real truth.

My body started the lie on an ordinary Thursday morning right after my session with my writing coach, Kimberly.  I was heading into the office after confessing a few things to her that I had been unwilling to say out loud—that there are these thoughts, ideas, experiences…that…well…I’ve told myself are just too spiritual for my blog.  However, on this particular morning I finally shared a draft of an article I’ve been attempting to write for months now.  As I explained to Kimberly, I was finding it incredibly difficult to translate a life-changing meditation experience into words without minimizing how it impacted my own spiritual awakening.  And yet, the more we talked about the piece, the more excited I became.  I even contemplated clearing my calendar that day and self-indulging in hours of writing.  But alas, a full day of client appointments called me to the office, so instead I had to jump in the car just moments after the call ended.
 
As I pulled into the darkened parking garage, my attention was pulled to the glowing vibration of my phone.  I had an email from Kimberly so I read it quickly before exiting my car.  Her words of encouragement seemed to carry me to the elevator.  However, by the time I reached the elevator call button, I noticed my happy-go-lucky bounce had turned into a little dizziness.  Unfortunately, this feeling escalated into a full-blown vertigo episode as I reached for the office doorknob just a few moments later.  So much so, that a colleague had to help me to my chair before I could close my eyes in an attempt to stop the carnival ride happening in my head.  In that moment, I knew my body’s intelligence was trying to tell me something.  So, I just asked, “What do want me to know?”

I want you to be safe.  This feels dangerous.

Now, I talk to my spiritual intelligence all the time, mostly in gratitude and when asking for assistance for others.   But this time was different.  I was asking for the truth.  And, I was asking on behalf of myself, something I don’t do very often.  So, in my mind I connected to the love and the light that I feel after letting something go, integrating a part or a good meditation…and said, “Tell me that I will be okay.” 

I could feel my head nod in agreement that I would be safe.  So I said in response, “Tell my body that it’s okay, as well.”  And within seconds, the vertigo was gone.

For the last few weeks I’ve let this lie hang around in my body.  I didn’t name it or release it.  I just said, "Go ahead.  Just lie to me."  I just allowed the lie to be fully present and paid close attention to the chatter in my mind.  Chatter is important because the conscious mind will make up stories or create narrative in support of our unconscious lies, so I wanted to notice what internal noise floated to the surface.  As a result of taking notice, I now understand why my body lied to me. 
It appears my unconscious mind wasn’t concerned about jeopardizing my work or personal safety, but how my marriage might be impacted by my decision to “come out.”  You see, my husband doesn’t believe what I believe.  And, my interconnected and symbiotic system of mind and body wasn’t afraid of the unknown, but of repeating past hurts.  I’ve got a good man, so my body was just voicing its concerns about putting my marriage at risk.  Gotcha.

Once I understood why my body lied to me, it was time to identify the belief behind the vertigo.  In other words, what was the mental lie behind the body’s response?  As I connected with the emotion of fear behind the notion I might jeopardize my marriage, the belief was clear: you can’t have love and deep spiritual devotion.  It was time to let that go.  So, using one of the techniques I use with my clients, I released that belief from my mind and body.  In return, I connected to the knowing of spiritual mind and prepared to receive the real truth.

Spirit is nothing but love.  You’ve spent your whole life looking for love in relationships, while real love is within…and everywhere.   Know this…and speak your truth.  All will be as it should be.

Beyond the Breakthrough

I’m privileged to work in service to humanity, offering witness and guidance to those who have the courage to come face-to-face with their beliefs, wounds, misconceptions and disappointments in return for the opportunity to create a new way of living.  And yet, I am always very clear that there’s still very important work to be accomplished beyond a breakthrough coaching session.
     
Get a Clear Vision
I always want a client to think about what long-term success looks like.  Success starts with a vision, which is very different from setting a goal.  Where a goal creates action based on a short-term, time-based focus — a vision creates a picture of the outer horizon that pulls the unconscious mind forward with a compelling and inspiring look into the future.  I like to think of a vision as a potential living legacy.   Creating a vision is never a pre-session assignment because most clients aren’t capable of creating a vision worthy of their full potential until they are unencumbered from the beliefs and rules that limit their ability to dream from a place of love, not protection.
 
Align Actions with Vision
Once a client gets clear on what they want, it becomes easy to gauge whether they are being the person and acting in accordance with the legacy they want to create.  It couldn’t be simpler; if the vision states, “I am a woman who operates from a place of love, compassion, patience, empathy and grace so that I can nurture healthy and symbiotic relationships” — this person gets to ask herself with every thought, gesture, and behavior if she is honoring her long-term vision of success.  When there’s incongruence, it’s an invitation to create short-term goals or examine our behaviors for beliefs in an effort to move closer to the vision. 

Continue to Release the Beliefs
In a breakthrough session, I guide clients to clear out old unproductive file cabinets that contain limiting beliefs.  Our focus is always in one area of their life — whether career, relationships, spirituality, health and/or fitness, etc.  And yet, individuals have a lifetime of experiences.  This means that the chance of us releasing all negative emotions and limiting beliefs is unrealistic.  Therefore, I encourage clients to continue to release any beliefs that might surface beyond the session.  This is probably the most important step, but the most neglected by clients. 

The pathway to wholeness and self-acceptance is paved with awareness, accountability and a commitment to continued growth, and this should include a practice of letting go.  (In fact, probably one of my most significant beliefs I’ve released was almost two years after my first breakthrough session, but more a
bout that later.)  Once a client knows how to release a belief, the only task at-hand is to identify the belief.  This should be as easy as following the feelings, which is why I always talk about following the emotion in my post-breakthrough meeting.  This process should be a life skill.  Just two weeks ago I had a post-meeting that exemplified this lesson. 

The client and I had spent the first half of our meeting talking about how different she felt, how her body felt absent of the anxiety that use to reside in her abdomen, and how she was showing up differently in relationships.  At some point, however, she mentioned an unproductive conversation she had in her head regarding a long-standing issue between her and her husband.  We both decided to explore what belief was behind the judgmental comment, because we both wanted the progress toward growth to continue.    

First, I asked her to reconnect to the emotion she was feeling at the time she made the judgmental comment.  It was anxiety.  Once she connected to the emotion, I asked her what was behind needing to judge her husband.  She said, “I want everything to happen quickly.  I don’t understand why he was so passive in his action.”  I asked her how long she had this problem of wanting things instantly.  Not surprising, she said all her life.  I then jokingly said, “Did you walk behind your children saying…hurry up, hurry up!” 

I could tell from the look on her face that we hit upon something significant; something that didn’t surface in our breakthrough session.  I inquired about what I was sensing from her physiology and body language.   She responded, “I could feel emotions of anxiety in every part of my body when you said that statement!?”

This example is a great reminder that beliefs can sometimes sound benign, but the emotion will tell us if we’ve hit the jackpot.  She believes she has to hurry up.  This belief creates impatience, directing behavior, rules for productivity, a sharp bluntness in communication…all in the name of expediency.  

As we prepared to release the belief that she needed to hurry up through life, I asked her when this belief was created — before, during or after birth.  She knew intuitively and instantly it was created during pregnancy.  This was a good sign; the immediacy of her response tells me she is getting to the earliest experience that created this early belief.  This information also tells me she is preparing to free herself from one of the oldest concepts that created the relationship problems she’s been experiencing.  And, that is exactly what happened — she released…because there is always work beyond a breakthrough.

Letting Go to Let Go

There are people who question whether alternative therapies work.  What I’m finding is that once an individual experiences the process of releasing something — whether it’s a negative emotion, a limiting belief, trauma or phobia — it’s hard to argue with the results.  Believe me; I learned this lesson the hard way.

My introduction to alternative therapies all started with the book NLP and the New Achievement of Excellence by Steve Andreas.  I still don’t know exactly how I stumbled upon the book, but the opening pages promised that Neuro Linguistic Programming would take the difficulty out of behavioral change.  After twenty-five years working in human resources and implementing various training programs that didn’t stick beyond the classroom, I was intrigued by the notion that there was knowledge out there, a philosophy and techniques that promised to help people to show up differently in a sustainable way.
 
The rational and intellectual part of me loved the philosophy behind NLP, so I embraced the self-discovery exercises to get clear about what I wanted out of life.  However, I scoffed at the “techniques” which promised to release lingering unproductive emotions, old beliefs, traumatic experiences…even though the book explained that this process was key to removing old unproductive behavioral patterns.  Because humans are creatures of unconscious habit and want to avoid pains from the past, Andreas was clear that becoming more adaptable and flexible would be difficult in the absence of letting old stuff go.

I was steadfast that the techniques Andreas described seemed too far-fetched, so I resisted.  That is, until a professor challenged me to stop my nay-saying until I could speak from my own experiences.  Ouch!  I scheduled an appointment with a NLP practitioner and prepared to prove that instant change didn’t work.

The little basement office in Fremont seemed perfect for the clandestine hour-long appointment.  The practitioner was an attractive young man in his mid-thirties who could have easily blended into the pages of a Nordstrom advertisement.  Honestly, I had expected someone just a bit more woo-woo.   We’d already talked on the phone so he was aware of my interest in trying out a specific technique, so he quickly got to work, “Do you have anything you are really upset about and would like to release?  You know, maybe you are really sad or pissed off about something?”

That was easy.  Months before, a situation at work had transpired that was fraught with injustice in my opinion.  As a result, I was still harboring ill-feelings toward my manager.  I could feel the emotions start to boil even as I explained the scenario.  The practitioner seemed uninterested in the details and said, “Great.  Let’s work with that situation.”

I wanted to specifically experience something called Time Line Therapy™, which is a releasing technique based on the premise that individuals store their unconscious memories spatially on a metaphorical track or time line that holds our entire lifetime sequentially.  In this technique, you are guided by the practitioner to use visualization techniques to enter a past memory on your time line as a way to relive the full subjective experience.  I was able to plug right into the scenario with all its judgments, beliefs and attachments, which were all bound together by my negative emotions.

Once you connect to the subjective experience, the practitioner guides you to use a series of visualization and somatic techniques that allow you to envision floating higher and further away from the event.  As I moved further away in my mind, the practitioner would check on my emotional state.  Nothing had changed.  I was still angry.  So, the practitioner used some methods to get me out of my head and surrender to the process.  It seems I needed to let go of the need to rationally understand the process…before I could actually let go or release the emotion.  Finally, I was guided by his words…until the emotion just disappeared.

The practitioner instructed me to enter the experience again on my time line and verify the emotion was released.  Yup, the experience was starkly objective – what remained where only the facts and a sense of non-attachment.  I felt no need to react or do anything further.  There was no emotion present.  In its place was a new sense of understanding, acceptance, and best yet, the process of letting go left me with a lesson.  Not including the preparation and discussion before the process itself, this non-attachment transpired in less than 15 minutes.  I didn’t have to visit an ashram or meditate for weeks on end.  I just let it go.

It would take me another four years to get out of my head long enough to allow myself to experience letting go in more significant and profound ways.  That’s right, you have to be prepared to let go of your love affair with cognition and old ways before you are prepared to surrender to the beauty of letting go. What I know for sure is that with every negative emotion, limiting belief, disempowering decision or significant experience I have released, I have been invited to show up differently in life.  And, Andreas should be happy to know that personal change has never felt so easy. 

Solving Problems at the Root Cause

People have problems; they’re a reality of living life.  However, most people are trying to solve problems at the level of the symptom, while the disease goes untreated.  I’m going to tell you how to determine if the action you take is only solving the symptom while the root-cause is left untreated and left to manifest more problems again in the future.

Let’s explore how to identify the root cause by diving into a very common dilemma that surfaced this week for a client.  With her permission, I am going to share how we got to the bottom of her problem - the inability to create work-life balance.  I want to be clear that it would have been easy to jump right into setting priorities or boundaries, but just taking any action is not the answer to all ailments.  No, what we want is to solve the real problem with right action, which means we want to know why this woman created the situation in the first place.  So, we start there:   

Step One:  Do you own the problem?
Yes, owning the problem has to be the starting point.  Most, if not all, of our problems are self-created by our beliefs.  This woman could have easily blamed the culture, her manager, or the heavy workload.  Instead, she said she wanted to figure out how she was creating this situation. This was a perfect starting point.

Step Two:  Are you specific enough about the problem?
Once there’s ownership, you want to determine how this situation is a problem.  Though a lack of work-life balance is commonplace in our society, the way it impacts this woman’s life will be specific to her.  She shares that she isn’t able to leave the office until everything is done.  As you can see, this is still too broad - so we explore how she continues to do this problem almost every day of the week.  This is called a strategy.

Step Three: How do you do the problem?
In this step we are exploring, in detail, how someone runs a strategy that creates a specific problem time and time again.  You want them to relive the experience as if they are looking through their own eyes.  Using the same level of intricacy she would use to describe tying her shoes or making the bed, the client provided step-by-step details of what happens when the clock says it is time to leave but her head says stay a little longer.  As if we were watching a movie together…frame-by-frame…in slow motion…she walks me through how she does this problem.  Early in the process, she explains she feels guilty…bingo!

Step Four: Can you connect to the emotion of the problem?
At some point, an emotion will be part of the strategy.  It could be anger, sadness, guilt, anxiety, or fear.  In fact, often the problem itself is an attempt to avoid a more exaggerated emotion.  For our purposes, the emotion tells us we are getting closer to the root cause by tapping the beliefs held at the unconscious level.  If emotions aren’t surfacing, it means the person is trying to rationalize their behavior instead of exploring it fully.
  
Step Five:  What does the emotion tell you or what comes after the emotion?
Once you connect to the emotion, this is the time to pay close attention.  Language always holds important clues to what’s really going on.  For this client, there was an internal conversation that said, “If I don’t get everything done or say no, it would mean people might not want me.  They might go to someone else in the future.”  As we explore this statement together, the client discloses it is almost impossible for her to say “no.”  The problem is getting even more specific — her inability to say no — and we’re on the threshold of uncovering the beliefs behind the behavior.

Step Six: What would it say about you as a person if you abandoned this problem?
This step will uncover the beliefs behind the behavior.  In her case, by saying “yes” all the time, she has been attempting to avoid disappointing people and being viewed as selfish or unproductive.  Here are the beliefs she uncovered:  it’s not okay to disappoint people, to be selfish, lazy.  And not being nice is absolutely out of the question…even if it generates self-sacrifice and resentment in the process.    

Step Seven:  What is the earliest experience that comes to mind as you talk about these beliefs?
Our job now is to connect to the experiences that created these beliefs.  The easiest way to do this is by asking the unconscious mind to give you the first or earliest experience that comes up after talking about your beliefs.  And like magic, the unconscious mind will serve up some important insight.

What came up right away for my client is a memory of getting that look from her father if she ever disappointed him; no words were necessary.  So, this woman learned early in life that being nice, obliging and productive was the perfect way to be loved and, more important — to stay out of trouble.  As you can see there was no malicious intent or childhood trauma involved; just the work of the little brain creating a well-intentioned strategy to make her feel loved.  In fact, this is the root cause of the problem — an overriding need to be loved and wanted.     

Can you see that putting first things first, making schedule changes or delegating wouldn’t have solved the problem at the level of the root cause?  Once she feels she is truly wanted, needed and loved as a result of who she is—not by what she does— she can show up fully unencumbered by old strategies. Until then, she has the invaluable opportunity to negotiate, reframe or let those old beliefs go, allowing her to determine what new strategies she’d like to employ in order to have more balance in her life.

Becoming Enough

How often do you feel enough? Slim enough, successful enough, loved enough, smart enough, worthy enough, accepted enough…just enough. I’m not talking about intellectually embracing the value of loving yourself unconditionally, but feeling I AM ENOUGH in every cell of your body? That’s right — if you are like many people, the notion that you are good enough is a platitude never to be reached. In fact, it’s the biggest complaint from my clients. I’d like to tell you why this untruth can feel true and what you can do to change your reality.

First, it is important to understand that though the feelings of insecurity might be commonplace, the reasons individuals hold this belief — I am not good enough — are as unique and different as your DNA because it is your individual experiences that tell you it is true. It’s like you’ve been unconsciously accumulating evidence to prove this mind-body fallacy all your life: dad criticized the way I painted the house, my parents divorced because of me, I didn’t get 100% on the math test, I was told my body wasn’t good enough — either through words or deed, I never won a spelling bee, or most unfortunate, someone told me so without any mincing of words.

The accumulation of evidence starts early in life — sometimes without the validity of testing the evidence with the rational mind — and by adulthood, the file cabinet entitled not enough is bulging at the seams.

In the same way we have a file cabinet, we also have a file clerk. The personal file clerk is charged with automatically going to the archives of past experiences in an effort to gain insight into what’s really transpiring in the present moment. When the boss at work declares, “I am disappointed with the outcome of the project”, the file clerk looks for a similar situation which transpired in the past. And, there...in the not good enough cabinet, the file clerk finds a file folder entitled not competent…and immediately informs you how to interpret and feel about today’s experience based on the content in that folder. Of course, the file clerk is also placing this new piece of evidence away for safe keeping.

This reality — that our experiences of today are processed by our internal file clerk — tells us why many well-intentioned and productive strategies don’t solve today’s experience of your not feeling good enough. Things like gratitude, positive affirmations, prayer, or even therapy are effective strategies if they allow you to make more empowering decisions. However, because you haven’t cleaned out the old file cabinets which hold the misguided evidence of your accumulated unworthiness or lack of perfection, the file clerk still has easy admittance to the files you no longer want to access.

Because these files are still available, one day you might make a conscious empowering decision, but the next day still find yourself reverting back to old unconscious behaviors or decisions that don't serve you. This pattern will continue to be your reality until a decision is made to spring clean the disempowering stuff accumulated in your old file cabinets.

Depending on one’s life experiences, the nature and depth of the file archives will obviously differ. But regardless, the process of clearing out old file cabinets is swift and easy compared to standard therapy timeframes. Even for a client who experienced trauma early in her life, the feeling that I AM ENOUGH and THERE IS ENOUGH returned after just two full-day sessions using my favorite healing modalities.

And yet, there are many paths to healing. So if you want to feel the sense of I AM ENOUGH at the cellular level, start the process of clearing old debris. There are all kinds of productive and instant healing strategies to expedite the process, all of which I’ve experienced: energy work, exploring past lives, emotional freedom technique, breath therapy, and of course, my personal favorites — the various awakening therapies I use in my practice.  I promise you, living in a world of enough is worth the exploration.